


you were my town, now I'm in exile, seein' you out

by Lutrosis



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Finn is NOT a bad guy in this story, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, No one is perfect but love prevails, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo - Endgame, Small Spoiler: Amnesia, True Love, Varykino (Star Wars), finding back together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26197186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lutrosis/pseuds/Lutrosis
Summary: The night before her wedding with Finn, Rey talks with Ben. Their conversation gets heavy and they talk about their future and their relationship as friends after Rey's marriage. Truths come to light, things break, others heal, everyone finds a happy (or at least good) end.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 59
Kudos: 118





	1. the clock is ticking, there's no other spiel to hum to

**Author's Note:**

> 1) The beginning of this fic is inspired by this short [tweet-fic](https://twitter.com/CeliaAnd2/status/1276897083673522184?s=20) by [Celia_and](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celia_and). 
> 
> 2) To be honest, I struggle/struggled a lot with this story, but I have already written half of it and now want to finish it.
> 
> 3) This story's title is from Taylor Swift's song 'Exile' (feat. Bon Iver).

He didn’t know what he was doing here. He shouldn’t be here. It was one of the rare times, where being with her didn’t feel right. Rey was getting married today. She should be asleep right now – alone in her bed. Or sneaking into her soon-to-be husband's. But she definitely shouldn’t have texted him a few minutes ago, asking him to come to her.

But Ben could seldom refuse her anything. She was too important to him. And seeing her – even if she was marrying Finn tomorrow – wasn’t something that was a burden to him. It just didn’t feel as if they should. Ben asked himself, what he was doing. Rey had just pulled him inside her room, opened a whiskey bottle and now they were sharing it.

Opposite of each other, they sat on Rey’s big bed. It was an expensive hotel room, so even Ben had enough space to sit comfortably. Rey wore a big white sleepshirt and shorts, while Ben had just put on a grey shirt because he didn’t want to enter her room shirtless just dressed in grey sweatpants.

For several minutes they sat in silence, while the thoughts in Ben’s head were racing. He didn’t know what Rey wanted from him, she seemed to be lost in her mind. Maybe she simply wanted some company, but he couldn’t imagine why. Rey seemed content with Finn, for a long time they had been good – best – friends, Finn and Rey had known each other for a long time.

Ben knew, that tying herself to someone wasn’t an easy decision for Rey, so - before she got engaged - she must have thought about it until she was beyond all doubts. A small and quiet voice in a corner of his mind, a voice he had hidden away disagreed with him. It told him, that Rey also protected herself and sometimes made choices, that were seemingly easier but less risky and in the end made her less happy. But quickly Ben shut this voice down. It was dangerous, following it. This voice was a will-o’-the-wisp, only leading into unsteady terrain, where he would be lost and lose himself.

Ben nearly missed it, when Rey spoke to him. But he caught on quick enough to hear everything she said. “Do you think Finn is the right person for me?” Ben didn’t know how to answer her. There were so many possible answers he could choose from. The truth; the answer he wanted to give her; the answer that he should give her; the answer that she may want him to give; the answer that she maybe didn’t know, that she wanted him to give her. Ben saw how small Rey made herself, her insecurity seeping out of her. So, he decided on a mixture of everything, quasi a non-answer. “Finn is a good man.”

Processing his answer, Rey looked at him. But slowly a frown grew on her face. Incredulously she searched for something in his face, maybe seeking some hidden opinion, that he wasn't voicing, maybe waiting for him to elaborate. “You don’t seem convinced,” she finally commented.

Ben shrugged and looked down. The whole conversation made him uncomfortable. He didn’t know what the right path was here. He knew what the others, Rey's friends, probably wanted him to say, but it wasn’t what he wanted to say. He just wanted the best possible life for Rey. To stay on the safe side, he continued his neutral, evading approach to her questioning. “You could certainly have picked someone worse.”

Frustrated Rey huffed. She had picked up on his behavior, she always did. And as always, she wasn’t letting him get away with it. She straightened herself and pierced him with a stern look. “Be honest with me, Ben.”

He was facing a dead-end road. Continuing his path would only lead to heated discussions, it had happened often enough in their relationship. And it was the night before her wedding, Rey shouldn’t have to fight with anyone, but there was still no good way out of this conversation for Ben, so he tried to divert her interrogation. “I don’t know, Rey. You want to marry him. At some point, you were convinced he was good enough and decided to spend the rest of your life with him. And you have known him for much longer than I, you know him better than I do.”

Ben was proud of his answer. Turning her doubt around, telling her that she already had the answer herself, freeing him of having to tell her his opinion, while also reassuring her. Rey seemed to think about his answer but didn’t appear to be satisfied. Discontent she shook her head and took the whiskey bottle to drink a small sip. Both were drinking slowly and cautiously because neither wanted to be hangover tomorrow.

With a long, inquiring gaze Rey observed him. It made Ben nervous, which was rare. Being in Rey’s presence was usually a safe place for him. “At least we will always have each other.” Rey’s statement sounded more like a question, something she wanted to be confirmed by him, but it only furthered Ben’s uneasy feeling. He didn’t want to be in this situation, he didn’t know how to handle it.

They had so much history, their past was as complicated as it could get. And after the incident she had chosen the comfort and security of her friends – and who was he to deny her that? How could he know, that she would ever believe him when no one else had known about them? How could she believe him if the others barely accepted his presence as her friend? The risk of losing her had been too big – and he had been lost in his own grief, hurt and pain. Maybe it had been a sign. He had always been quick to jump to conclusions. And when he decided that the risk was worth it, that he couldn’t continue like this, it had already been too late. Of course, he always wanted to stay at Rey’s side. But their relationship had already changed. It had changed after the hospital. It had changed again when she and Finn got together. It had changed again when they got engaged. Ben wasn’t sure how steady his voice would be, so he simply made an uncommitted sound.

Of course, Rey immediately picked up on it again - as with his evading answers minutes earlier. She knew him too well, she knew his mannerism, she knew how he thought. Andas she knew what was happening inside his mind, he could see her emotions change, even would she have tried to hide it. But she didn’t this time. Not after the whiskey, not in this weird liminal space of time, that didn’t even feel real. This moment after night-fall and before the sun awoke, this otherworldly moment, where nothing felt like everything, where truths reigned free. In the night, when the light hid, everything else came out. There was anger rising inside of her. “What?” she spat. She practically threw the word into Ben's face.

Ben shrugged again. He desperately wanted out of this situation. He felt too raw, too open, the pain just lingering beneath his surface. He simply wanted to get it all behind him. Rey would lead her happy life with Finn and her friends. And Ben would find a way to survive all the lonely years fate would gift – or damn – him with after tomorrow. “All I’m saying is, that all will be different after tomorrow.”

“Why?” Rey asked him as if she couldn’t comprehend how a single day could fundamentally change their relationship, as if their connection existed beyond everything else, as if he had told her that some fundamental constant of reality would stop existing in a few hours.

Ben forced himself to look at Rey. She had to understand. He needed her to understand. It hadn’t occurred to him, that she would think, their relationship would just continue, as if she hadn’t chosen that someone else was the love of her life, as if she wouldn’t vow tomorrow, to spend the rest of her life with someone else. Ben didn’t want to leave Rey’s life – and he wouldn’t. But he would be just some random friend she had. She had decided for Finn to be the most important person in her life. The place he had in Rey’s life should – at least to some part – would be filled by her husband. And that would change their relationship – and Ben also had to find his own way to handle the fact, that Rey was to marry someone else. He couldn’t deny it any longer, that the future he had always dreamed of, the future, that had seemed so sure for a short, but sweet time, would never exist. After tomorrow even the last impossible speck of hope, that was flickering inside Ben and had kept him going, would cease to exist. Rey and he had to find a new balance, a new rhythm, and there was no way to predict how that would look like, but he was sure that it would be different from the relationship, they both had now.

Softly he tried to show her what he meant. On some level, she had to know this, didn’t she? “You’re getting married tomorrow, Rey. That means that things will change – profoundly change.” But Rey didn’t seem to understand or didn’t want to accept the reality of what he said. They had stopped swapping the whiskey bottle back and forth and instead Rey’s hands curled around it. They had gotten white from the force, with which she was holding it. Slowly Ben pried her hands from it and put the bottle aside. Rey didn’t react to it and instead kept on shaking her head.

“But why do we have to change? You were always there for me. Why can’t you continue to be that person? That person, that I tell everything. That person, that holds me, that understands me, that…” Rey’s voice broke down, and tears were rising in her eyes. She chocked and a hand flew to her mouths. Ben saw that she desperately tried to prevent a starting sob. He wanted to hold her and tell her that everything would be alright. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t force himself to do that. He couldn’t allow himself to continue to be so close to her. And he didn’t want to lie to her. Ben wasn’t sure that everything would be alright. He was convinced of the opposite.

So instead, he continued to soften his voice, trying to gently lead her to realise the full extent of the situation. A situation she had willingly chosen. Ben was positive, that the consequence of her decision to marry Finn must have passed her mind at some time. Or that the others would have spoken with her about it. Surely, they wouldn’t have waited too long to talk about, how Rey and he would spend less time together. The others probably couldn’t wait for the day, he wasn’t in Rey's life anymore. “Rey, you’re getting married. You are engaged and tomorrow Finn will be your husband. You will be his wife. He is supposed to be the love of your life. He will be that person for you. He already should be that person. You CHOOSE him to be that person.”

Rey couldn’t hold back her tears anymore. They were all be spilling out of her. Unable to form words, she shook her head, only the word “No” was audible between her sobs. Ben moved in front of her to take her hands into his. Her pain echoed inside him and threatened to break his hold on his emotions, but Ben wouldn’t allow that. This was about Rey, she needed that. She deserved a happy life and having unrealistic expectations of her future, wouldn’t accomplish that.

“I don’t know how we will change, but we will. You enter a whole new part of your life tomorrow. We can’t know yet if and where there is a place in it for me.” He again tried to make her understand. See the truth, of that he was convinced. The truth, he had taken so long to admit and accept himself.

“But I don’t want to lose you. You are the one person I never wanted to lose,” she told him. Through the veil of tears in front of her eyes, she locked hers with his. She confronted him with all the emotions bottled up inside her. Ben let go of one of her hands to comfortingly stroke her cheek and Rey leaned into his touch. “You chose this life, Rey. You chose to get married to him. You chose him as your happy end. You chose Finn to be your person. You chose him to be the one you never want to lose.” The “and not me” after each sentence was clearly audible, even if Ben didn’t say it.

Rey was unable to answer him, so he pulled her into his embrace to hold her like he always did, like he had after nightmares woke her, like he had, when bad memories surfaced in her, like he had, when she just needed a reminder, that they would always have each other. Which they knew now, wasn’t true. There had been a point, where they both had been convinced, that only death would separate them – and maybe not even death would be able to. But life cruelly proved them wrong. Life had reshuffled the cards, it had dealt them, and this time Ben had gotten a worse hand.

One last time Ben would hold Rey in arms until she fell asleep. One last time he would see her eyes close, her breaths quiet down and her body soften. One last time he would lay her down, tuck her in and kiss her forehead. One last time he would see her appear younger, but also more relaxed. For the first time, he would leave her while she was asleep, without waking her up to say goodbye or at least leaving a note.

Now Ben allowed his own tears to flow from his eyes, quietly walked through the room, and left it - he left her. That was the one thing he had vowed to himself, to her, to the world, he would never do. He was sure, that there would never be a moment, a situation, where he would leave her alone. But now that moment had come. The silhouette of her lying on her bed seemed to get smaller and smaller - somehow judging him. Returning to his own, he broke down immediately after he closed the door and sank to the ground. Pressing a hand against his mouth, he tried to quiet his sobs. Ben grieved the lost future, he could have had with Rey – ripped away from him on this cruel day without any warning. Exhausted by the last hours, Ben fell asleep in front of his door, unable to walk the few steps to his bed.


	2. do you want to stay the night / I’ve got secrets and candlelight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback chapter (every second one will contain a flashback) to a day nearly 14 months before the wedding between Rey and Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter's title is from the song 'Stay The Night' by Willa.

14 months before the wedding 

Ben couldn’t wait for his workday to end. He was constantly switching between being outright giddy and being exhaustingly nervous – and it was easily noticeable. He was getting weird stares by his coworkers, and his mother had asked multiple times if he was okay. He had been trying to placate her, but to no avail. Leia knew when something was up, but in the last years they had mended their relationship enough that Leia knew that prying wouldn’t do any good, and after Ben promised her, he would tell her very soon, she had backed down.

He would meet Rey and her friends at six o’clock in their usual bar downtown. Even if it wasn't that long ago, since he last had seen Rey, he missed her. Though he was anxious of the reactions of her friends. Their constant doubt and mistrust weren’t easy to handle. And witnessing Rey having to hide important things from them, because she didn’t want them to spoil her happiness, hurt him even more.

Not that her friends weren’t good to her – on the contrary. They were protective of Rey; they supported her and were there for her when she needed them. But Finn, Poe and Rose also had a strict perspective on what was right and good. It was easy to get on their bad side, and to get back from there was difficult, nearly impossible. The three hadn’t had the easiest lives, so much did Ben know, but they all knew what they wanted from their future and had strong opinions what others should want from theirs.

Rey was much more uncertain and handled her experiences differently from them. She fiercely guarded herself and lashed out when she thought she needed to. Deep inside her she had dreams of how her life should be, but she also feared the risks that came with them. Rey got burned too often and therefore often decided for the easier way, than the one she truly wanted.

Commitment wasn’t something that came naturally to her, she therefore had difficulties to find a healthy approach to friendships. She made it difficult to connect and to build deep connections with her, but when she made them, she did her best to preserve them – which led to her overvaluing the opinions of her friends to prevent losing them, and in consequence getting hurt by that. She feared people leaving her, so she either didn't make friendships, or when she did, she did almost everything to keep them going.

Rey and his relationship had been different. She had connected with Finn, because they both had been in the foster system. Because of Rose's character, Rose had slowly but gradually gotten closer to Rey and Poe was simply easy to connect to, even if her friendship with him was rockier than with the two others and she clashed more with him. But Poe had been a close friend of Finn and Rose, and over time Rey and he had learned how to be in each other’s presence without constantly arguing. Not that Ben had seen all these relationships develop, he had met Rey after the others.

Ben and Rey had gotten close fast and had broken through their walls as if they were nearly nonexistent. Yet the only one of the four he could call a friend was Rey – and she was so much more than that. The others had kept their distance from him. Poe had known Ben when he had worked as a lawyer for Snoke and carried the name Kylo Ren. Finn and he had visited the same gym and had shared some less than polite encounters. Rose’s family had been on the unfortunate end of a trial, where Snoke’s law firm had been involved, and even if everything had turned out alright, she still held him responsible for it.

Rey had known everything about his past, before he had met her friends, so she wasn’t surprised when they had revealed their stories to her, after she had introduced him to them. But she didn’t share their judgement and refused to stop meeting him. The five had only met a handful of times in the following years. And Rey resorted to telling them almost nothing about him. She had hidden how comfortable she was in his presence. She had hidden how they had gotten closer. She had hidden how safe and homely she felt with him. She had hidden how loved she felt by him. She had hidden how she loved him.

Rey had told him she couldn’t talk to her friends like she used to. She cried about having to hide a part of herself when she was with them. She grieved for the easiness she had lost. And he had hated himself for being the reason for Rey’s pain. But slowly she had opened up to him, that that wasn’t exactly true. As she told him more and more about her relationship with them, she realized that there had always been parts of her, that she feared to share with them. Feelings and emotions, fears and memories, behavior patterns and coping mechanisms. She feared they would judge her for them. And she dreaded the possibility that they would think less of her, because of them. What if they left her, because of them, her mind questioned her?

Rey often sought Ben’s comfort, because she wouldn’t have to hide with him. He also had darkness inside him, and he didn’t judge her, but made room for her, allowed her to let everything out, to show her full glory, dark and light and everything. She didn’t tell her friends about the thing that had developed between her and him. He didn’t really mind - not in the beginning, and not in most of the time after that. There were more important things to Ben than telling her friends the truth about Rey and him. Rey was happy. He was happy. They were happy together. That was what mattered.

Her friends had been outraged when Rey moved into his apartment. They couldn’t accept how she could ever want to live with him. They were concerned about her safety, about her losing her focus. They accused her of being led astray by him. This was the first time Ben had intervened. He told them he wouldn’t dare to harm Rey’s future in any way. Even if they couldn’t see it, he supported her unconditionally. Their concerns hadn’t been dissolved, but it had prevented a greater rift between Rey and the other three.

* * *

Leaving his trip down memory lane, Ben shut down his computer. He needed to get home first to change into some more comfortable clothes, before Rey picked him up and they would drive to the bar together. 

He parked in front of the building and entered it. After excitedly hurrying up the stairs, he entered their apartment. It had changed a lot after Rey had moved in. Her influence could be clearly seen. But it wasn’t only her stuff that had changed the interior into something cozier than it had been before Rey. Living with her, loving her, being loved back by her, had made him feel safe enough to finally settle down and together they had decorated their home.

They had been lucky that neither of her friends wanted to visit their home or else they would have complained about the lack of a bed or any of Rey’s belongings in his spare room. When Poe and Finn had first presumed they would be roommates, Rey had just rolled with that and never corrected them, when that had changed one month after her moving in.

As he gathered the clothes he had decided to wear this evening, Ben’s giddiness changed more and more into full-on nervousness. Maybe they shouldn’t have kept this secret for so long, he second guessed himself. He wasn’t concerned for his sake, but for Rey’s. He didn’t want her to get hurt by the reaction of her friends. They were important to her and had the possibility to hurt her badly. Ben simply had to hope that their love for Rey would stop them from any rushed reaction. He had to trust them - which felt slightly ironic, because they'd never do the same.

Suddenly their landline rang. Frustrated, Ben huffed and hurried to the phone. He had better things to do than to answer the telephone. Anyone important would have called his cellphone. He picked up the phone and introduced himself. He barely could hold on to the receiver when the other side answered. “Takodana General Hospital. Do you know a woman called Rey Johnson?”

Ben’s entire body trembled, and he barely could control his voice. “Yes, I’m her fiancé. My name is Ben Solo. What happened?” His mind was spiraling, trying to imagine what had happened to Rey. Ben desperately hoped that it simply was something minor. Maybe she just got unconscious, and they needed him to take her home. Maybe she had broken an arm or something else that wasn’t that dangerous.

“She got into an accident. She is stable, but unconscious. Will you be able to get here in the next hour?” the women on the other side asked him. A flurry of emotions passed through Ben. It was like a rollercoaster. Accident sounded bad. Stable was good. Still unconscious wasn’t. “Yes, I’m on my way right now. Thank you for calling.”

* * *

As fast as he could, Ben drove to the hospital. He found a parking spot and bolted to the entrance and then the reception desk. He asked for Rey’s room number and shortly thereafter he power-walked through the hallway to where it was located. Cautiously, he opened the door and looked inside.

On a single bed to the right side of the room laid a tiny figure. Ben could only see a white head bandage and brown hair spilling out of it, but he knew that it must be Rey – not only because the room number matched the one he was given, but he felt a tug inside him, urging him to enter the room.

Slowly, he moved next to her bed and finally could see Rey’s face. It looked rather calm, and emotions welled in Ben again. He choked, pulled a chair next to her bed and sat down. Silently crying, he took her hand and waited for a doctor or someone else to come to the room to tell him what happened and they would proceed.

He didn’t know how long he waited, how long he sat next to the love of his life. At some point, his tears had stopped and only pain was echoing in his chest. This wasn’t how they had imagined this day would unfold. Ben was completely lost, he didn’t know what to do, the only thing running through his head was his concern for Rey, everything else was pushed aside, it couldn’t step into the foreground.

Suddenly the door behind him opened and a woman in a white coat with blue scrubs beneath it walked into the room. She introduced herself as Dr. Harter Kalonia, and he confirmed that he was Rey’s fiancé. As she began to explain what had occurred to Rey, the door opened again, and four people rushed inside.

Irritated, Dr. Kalonia turned to the newcomers and asked who they were. But Finn immediately moved next to Rey, and before one of the others could explain themselves, Ben spoke up. “It’s ok. They are Rey’s best friends.”

Frowning, Poe looked at him. “What are you doing here?” He asked him – even if he clearly tried to control his voice it came out quite forceful. Confused, Dr. Kalonia looked back and forth between Ben and Poe. Ben stuttered, that wasn’t how he wanted to tell them about Rey’s and his engagement, and he didn’t know if Rey wanted him to tell them. “He is her fiancé.” Dr. Kalonia had obviously decided to step in. The heads of the three and of the nurse that brought them into the room whipped around and stared at Ben, who blushed.

“No, he isn’t.” The small comment seemed to have escaped Rose’s mouth involuntarily, because the second she said it, her eyes got big and her hand shot in front of her mouth. With every sentence, Dr. Kalonia got more and more bewildered. She turned to Ben again. “You aren’t her fiancé?” One hand of her moved to her pager.

In a placating gesture, Ben reached out with his hand to her. “I am her fiancé. I even wear my ring.” He showed them his left hand, where a simple gold band sat. Then he looked at the floor, unable to look Rey’s friends in the eyes. “We wanted to tell you this evening,” he murmured.

In a flash, Finn was standing in front of him. “You want to tell me that Rey got engaged **to you**? You want to tell me you two dated and didn’t tell anyone?” He poked his finger into Ben’s chest. “You really want me to believe that Rey wouldn’t tell me about all these important things in her life?”

This last comment enraged Ben. Furiously, he returned Finn’s look. “I don’t want you to believe me. It is the truth, whether you can accept it or not.” During his answer, he had built himself up in front of Finn.

In the meantime, Rose had gone to Rey’s side and took her hand. “Rey isn’t wearing a ring,” she said. Ben spun back around to her. The whole situation was eating at him, Rey was lying unconscious in a hospital bed and they discussed rings. Panic rose in him. “Hers is at home. We wanted to tell you this evening, but then the accident happened.” His hand buried itself in his hair, his head was spinning, and Ben was losing control on his emotions.

Dr. Kalonia intervened again, “I have no time for this discussion. If there is doubt about the legitimacy of your presence in this room, I have to ask you to leave.” Then she looked into all their faces. “That applies to all of you. And if you don’t comply, then I will call security.” The nurse that brought Finn, Rose and Poe to the room, spoke up, “I know Rey from university, she hasn’t any family. The three are the ones who come closest.”

Dr. Kalonia nodded and then returned to Ben. “What about you?” And again, her hand went to her pager, ready to call for help should the situation warrant it, but before Ben could answer and try to justify him staying, Rose spoke for him. “Let him stay!” Finn let out a scandalized sound. “Finn, you know they are close, even if you don’t like it. Rey would want him to be here.”

With tears in his eyes, Ben looked at Rose. “Thank you,” he whispered, but Rose shook her head. “Don’t mention it, I’m only doing this for Rey. This about her and what’s right for her.” Ben nodded in affirmation, then they all turned to Dr. Kalonia to finally hear what had happened. Their heavy hearts were visible, concern easily observable on their faces. Neither of them wanted Rey to get hurt or be in pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week arrives the next chapter - and we will discover what happened after that fateful conversation between Ben and Rey the night before her wedding


	3. iudex ergo cum sedebit, quidquid latet apparebit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're back to the timeline of Finn and Rey wedding. It's the morning after the conversation between Rey and Ben, and the soon-to-be bride is missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, surprise chapter! I heavily edited this one and decided to just post it early - I still hope to have another one ready for Sunday...
> 
> I also improved the last chapter, there were several (grammar not content) mistakes, I had overlooked, and I also added the moodboard I forgot.
> 
> The title is from the latin poem 'Dies Irae' (modern translation: When therefore the Judge will sit, whatever lies hidden will appear)

Loud pounding on his door woke Ben up. Groaning and disoriented, he looked around, trying to discover where he was. Slowly he recognized that he was lying on the ground in front of his door and the details of last night were coming back to him.

He looked at the watch at his wrist. It was half-past eight and therefore much more than enough time until the ceremony would start. But then why was he so rudely awoken? Ben frowned and stood up. He stretched his limbs until his joints creaked and he quietly whimpered. Then he opened his door, ready to tell off anyone who stood on the other side of it.

In front of him stood an enraged soon-to-be husband, who immediately shoved him backwards. “Where is she? What did you do?” Finn yelled at him. Bewildered, Ben just stared back at him. “I know you have done something. Why couldn’t you simply accept her being happy with me? Why must you destroy everything?” Finn continued to shout.

Behind him Poe and Rose came through the door and Poe got hold of Finn to stop him from advancing further onto Ben. Tears were streaming down Finn’s face and hopelessness was visible in his eyes. Ben looked back and forth between the three people in his hotel room. He still didn’t understand what was happening.

“Would someone explain to me what’s going on?” he asked them. Finn scoffed, but didn’t try to escape Poe’s embrace, but let himself be held and comforted. Rose was the one who answered Ben. “Rey is gone. She…,” Ben interrupted her. “Gone? What do you mean gone? She gets married in a few hours.” Poe let out a frustrated sigh. “Yeah, we know. Why do you think we’re searching for her?”

“Maybe I could finish explaining?” Rose asked, rolling her eyes. The others nodded, and she continued. “She isn’t in her room, nor anywhere else in the hotel. A few of her things are gone, too, therefore we’re sure that she left.” Ben ran his fingers through his hair. What was Rey doing? A sliver of hope settled in his stomach at the thought she may have second guesses about her impending marriage, but at the same time his stomach got heavy seeing Finn’s pain. Even if their relationship was less than ideal, they had found some kind of unspoken arrangement in the past months and they actively tried to refrain from hurting the other and mostly ignored each others existence.

Ben spoke directly to Finn. “Why do you think I am responsible for her leaving, Finn?” Finn’s eyes still hold the hopelessness Ben had seen in them a few moments earlier, but there was anger growing inside them, too. “Rose saw you. She saw you leaving her room. What were you doing in there, Kylo?” Finn threw the words at his face.

The name hit Ben, like Finn had physically struck him with his fist. Placatingly, Ben reached out. “She asked me to come over, Finn. She needed to talk about some stuff. You know her, she second-guesses herself too much.” Reluctantly Poe and Rose agreed with him, and Ben continued. “She was insecure about the wedding – about you. She asked me what I thought about you.”

“And what did you tell her? That she should leave?” Finn interrupted Ben again. His emotions took control of him, his pain, his confusion, his anger, his frustration. Ben understood. He would be in a much worse state than Finn was right now, if Rey would leave him at the morning of their wedding.

Ben shook his head. “No, I didn’t, Finn, and you know I would never do that.” Silence filled the room and the three people that had entered this morning shuffled their feet and one after the other they slowly agreed with him. “I told her she knows you better than I do, but that I think you are a good man and that she could definitely have picked someone worse,” Ben continued. “That’s actually not that bad.” Rose quietly commented.

Nevertheless, insecurity spread in Ben’s mind. Maybe he should have taken a different approach to reassure Rey last night, but his emotions had been all over the place, too. The situation had been really complicated. Her upcoming wedding had awoken old memories and had reopened old wounds. Ben whispered, “I just want Rey to be happy, whatever that means for her, but I also wanted to be as honest as possible to her. I told her she already had the answer to her question.”

Finn perked up at Ben’s last sentence and Poe frowned. He had let go of Finn, since the man seemed to be more focused on finding the woman he loved again and would refrain from lashing out. “What do you mean?” Finn’s best friend asked him.

“Rey already made her decision. In fact, she made it several times. She agreed to date you, Finn. She wanted a long-time, monogamous relationship with you. She lived together with you. She said yes to your marriage proposal. She planned this wedding. I told her she must have already decided that you were the right person for her.” Finn pondered about Ben’s answer.

Silence stretched between them as Finn’s eyes clearly showed how deep in his thoughts he was, then they focused themselves on Ben again and wandered around his face. Measuring his answer, searching for truths or lies in his words, trying to guess his emotions – maybe still wondering if there was some secret agenda that Ben had. Not that that thought was completely unjustified, even if Ben had left Snoke and his machinations years ago, Ben had been known for worse stuff than destroying a relationship the night before the wedding.

Then Finn ended the silence. “I think that’s actually quite nice of you to say,” he finally told him. Ben nodded gladly. They had seemed to have reached some form of understanding again. Like the one they had before Finn had discovered his soon-to-be wife left shortly before they would have met at the altar. “I know we have our difficulties. And to some part, we’re all carrying some responsibility for them, but this was about Rey – and if we can decide on one thing, then it is that we all love Rey,” Ben said, and the others agreed with him.

A few moments no one said anything. Then Rose turned to Ben. “Okay. You were talking about the wedding, you were reassuring her. But what happened after that? You were crying when you left her room. Something must have happened after your talk about the wedding or when Rey was alone in her room.”

Ben looked down and a small bit of nervousness implemented itself in his stance. Now came the part of last night's conversation that had been the most painful, the part Ben – at least to some extent – regretted. Would they understand what had happened last night? Would they make him responsible for Rey leaving? Was he responsible for Rey leaving? Should he have lied to her? He had vowed to never do it again – but what was that one small lie about the uncertainty about their future compared to the grand lie, he had told her, about their past? Was this his atonement for the crimes of his past – to watch the love of his life be happy with someone else? Had he some form of obligation to manufacture Rey her happy end?

Of course, Rose immediately picked up on Ben’s change. “You were talking about something else, too,” She noted. Ben nodded but kept his gaze on the floor. “What were you talking about?” Rose carefully prodded. Ben looked up, and all three were intently staring at him. Feeling Uncomfortable, Ben wrung his hands together.

“She wasn’t completely convinced, but nevertheless changed the topic and… and we talked about us, about our future after today. Rey said that she was glad, that nothing would ever change between her and me…” At this point Ben’s voice broke and the memories of last night and the pain of the last years flooded back. He choked. “She noticed that I wasn’t agreeing with her. I… How could I? Everything had changed. And we argued, and she cried.

Then I told her that she had **you** .” Ben looked at Finn and now he was the one with tears and hopelessness in his eyes, while Finn’s had gotten empty. “She **chose** you, she wants to be with **you**. And… And…,” Ben tugged at his own hair. Tears began streaming down both sides of his face.

“You will be a **good** husband,” Ben shrugged. “You won’t hit her, you won’t degrade or humiliate her. You won’t leave her. Instead, you will support her, you have good intentions, you love her, you two know each other very well.

But… But I don’t know where **my** place will be in her life after today. You will be married, for god’s sake. Things change. Things have changed. Things will change. I don’t know… I don’t know if I can be in her life, if she’s happily married to you. With every hope of her ever getting back with me gone. **I know** what I have to do for her. **I know** what she wants me to do. But I don’t know if I have the **strength** to do it.

Who am I, to promise her everything will stay the same? Who am I to promise her anything? I once promised her that I would never leave her, but then she left me. Not knowingly, but nevertheless. She left and where does that leave me? Where am I supposed to go after today? I don’t know. I know what Rey today wants me to do, but is it the same thing that Rey from before her accident would have wanted for me? And shouldn’t I do the thing I want to do? But what if the thing I want to do isn't a good thing?” Ben had difficulties to breathe through his tears and through trying to control and reign in his emotions.

“If you marry someone, they should be the person you never want to leave. She should be happy with you. Regardless of where I am. Not that… Not that it doesn’t hurt when friends leave, but I am just that, just a friend. She has everything she needs. She has a good partner, she has good friends. She has a good future. Her life is full. There is just not really a place for me…” Fully sobbing now, Ben fell to his knees and quietly whispered. “She chose you. She should be happy with you,” Ben repeated. Then he was unable to say anything else and cried into the hands pressed against his face.

The other three didn’t know what to do. The only time Ben had shown this kind of vulnerability, was in the hospital room over a dozen months ago and the emotions then had been too charged and their relationship worse than now. Back then they had all been worried over Rey, confused by Ben’s announcement of their engagement. Back then they hadn’t yet found that unstable balance, that they had forced to find during Rey’s recovery to protect her from unnecessary trouble and danger to her health. Rose, Finn, and Poe looked at each other, but neither made a move. They didn’t know if they should comfort him – if they even could.

Instead, they all sat down on the chair and the bed, and slowly Ben calmed down again and scooted back to the wall to lean against it. “She cried,” he continued, “and I held her until she fell asleep. I didn’t expect that she would just leave this morning. You have to believe me. I thought she may have needed that conversation, that last hug to accept, that things will change.” Ben didn’t dare to look at anyone. What if it really was his fault she left? What if they weren’t believing him? It had already happened once, and it had destroyed the future, he had been so sure of – not that it had been the sole cause of it, it hadn’t even been the most important reason. But the others had always been at least wary of him, if not fully mistrusting. What if…

“You’re not responsible for her leaving, Ben.”

Bewildered, Ben looked up. He wasn’t sure if he had heard right, but Finn repeated himself. “You’re not responsible for this mess. Or maybe we all are. I don’t know,” dejected he shrugged with his shoulders and leaned back into Poe.

With a sad smile, Rose regarded Ben. “You love her, don’t you?” she asked him. Ben nodded. “Yeah, I do. Have for several years and still do,” he quietly answered. His fingers were drawing patterns on the floor. His love for Rey hadn’t been something easy. It sat deep inside him. It could elevate his entire life, change his perspective on everything around him. Or it was a deep abyss hurting him and bringing him despair.

The mood in the hotel room was weird. The four of them had never been alone like this – there were that time in Rey’s hospital room and the small meeting they had had, where they had decided how to handle Rey’s amnesia, but both times other people had been present, too. They had never talked like this before. It felt good – in a strange way, despite the reason that had brought them together.

Poe sat on the bed with Finn and had his arm still around the younger man’s shoulders. “And you were really engaged – before the accident, I mean.” Ben tilted his head back and looked at the ceiling. A small, sad smile forming itself on his face. “That was the happiest time of my life. We were together for fifteen months and engaged for three.” Ben allowed himself to fall back into memories – memories of shared breakfasts, waking up together, watching movies together while cuddling – until Finn’s quiet “Fuck,” brought him back. Questioningly, he looked up at the man. “She never told us, we never even suspected it,” Finn cursed.

Ben didn’t know what to say. He knew that Rey had been terrified of the reactions of her friends. For a long time, he had hated them for making her afraid. But he also kind of understood from where their judgment was coming. The pain he had caused every one of them wasn’t easy to forget. It had taken him many therapy sessions to work through these conflicting emotions. All four of them had to learn to accept the others’ presence in Rey’s life and tried to ignore each other as best as possible to prevent any fights or trouble.

“Well, we did give her some shit, because we knew she had some feelings for you,” Rose chimed in. None of the men disagreed with her. Ben couldn’t really help them. Rey and he had worked through a lot of things in their relationship, but in some form it had been easier for the two of them, because they had come from a point, where it had been obvious that they had to talk regularly about things, that were troubling them. You don’t go from enemies to friends to lovers without resolving many conflicts between you. However, the others had never been in the same position and conflict between them had been played down. They were and are best friends to each other, they support and love each other. The acceptance, that there were some things them seriously hurting one of them, was more than difficult.

“But… But I never thought we would get to the point where we made her too uncomfortable to share important things with us,” Finn stammered and looked helplessly at his two friends. Poe was the one who had a talent for saying brutal truths out loud, and so he assumed this role this morning, too. Not that he was always right about what the truth really was, but if he saw risks and patterns leading to bad outcomes, he determinately voiced his opposition. “We didn’t give her some shit, Rose. We majorly fucked up. We may had had good intentions, but we were wrong.”

Tears were pooling in Rose’s eyes. She was fierce and would destroy anyone wishing harm to the ones she loves, but she never intended to hurt her friends. She always wanted them to get their happy endings. Rose pulled her knees towards her body and hugged them. “How can we fix this?” she asked – maybe herself, maybe her two friends, maybe everyone in the room.

While Ben continued to stare at the ground, the other three looked at each other, and then, one after the other, they looked at Ben. After a minute of silence, he looked up and noticed them all observing him, waiting for him. Ben blushed slightly, uncomfortable with the attention on him. “What?” he asked.

“How can we fix this?” Rose repeated her question. “With honesty, time, compassion, and patience.” Ben automatically replied. It had been a lesson he had learned long ago.

“That was a fast answer,” Finn commented, and Ben looked down again, his fingers plucking at the carpet. Then he shrugged, “Rey and I had our fair share of arguments. And these were the key elements we needed to forgive each other again. I know this because I often lack some of them. And I know it, because not being honest probably caused me losing her.” His eyes stayed on the ground. Ben had no strength to look up again and see how the others were looking at him.

“But what can we do now?” Rose repeated her question. “I want to search for her. We can’t just wait for her to reappear, can we?” Finn unsure inclined his head. “I am not sure. It could be possible that Rey doesn’t want to be found, but she may need it. I don’t know who would be the best one to search and find her. Maybe we just have to wait for her to come back…”

“I won’t do nothing,” Rose objected. “We should search for her and maybe it is at the time we all talk openly with each other – all five of us!” She waited for a moment to see if anyone was disagreeing with her, but when everyone stayed silent, she continued. “Finn, I think you have to stay here. There is still a wedding going on and you may have to tell everyone…” Rose stopped herself, but Finn let his head hang down and nodded. “I stay with you,” Poe promised him, and the two men leaned back into each other’s embrace.

“You and I each will search for Rey,” Rose told Ben, “We both know important parts of Rey’s life, if we split up, we can cover more spots, where she could hide. And if one of us finds her, I think, we will be able to convince her to meet and talk about everything – I think that is something, that she wants, too,” Rose laid out her plan.

When no one was suggesting anything else or changes to her plan, they all got up and prepared themselves for the task that Rose had laid out for them.


	4. What If It's Not Meant For Me? love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second flashback chapter: Back at the hospital, Ben remembers the first time he met Rey. The situation is tense, while everyone waits for Rey to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for that unplanned hiatus. I had so much other stuff to do, that I lost any motivation to continue writing. In fact I had to take a pause from reading Reylo-fics, too, and spent the last days (weeks?) reading The-Folk-of-The-Air-Trilogy, the new Thrawn book and a few of the Throne-Of-Glass-books.  
> In the weeks until November, I'll - hopefully - have some more free time, but I think I will only manage to update this story every two weeks and not every week.  
> (Also I am sorry for this chapter - It's a flashback and it doesn't end happy...)
> 
> \---
> 
> This chapter's title is from the song 'Don't Delete The Kisses' by Wolf Alice.

14 months before the wedding day

Several days Ben waited next to Rey’s hospital bed. It was a tense situation, and not only because of Rey’s unconciousness. There was almost no moment where Ben waited alone alongside his fiance. At least one of her friends kept guard over her body. Neither of Rey’s friends trusted Ben, and all the emotions he had tried to keep at bay were bubbling to the surface. 

They all tried to ignore each other. And Ben just wished for Rey to finally wake up, so he knew she would be safe and they could all talk and get their misunderstandings out of the way. Rey and he had so much planned for their future. They both deserved their happy end, and it wasn't fair that life kept them waiting.

While he sat in the uncomfortable hospital chair Ben imagined the future he and Rey had talked about. They wanted to live somewhere with parks or maybe a forest nearby. A garden would be nice too. They could snuggle up under a blanket and watch the stars together. Maybe they would get a dog.

When his brain placed children into the image Ben had conjured in his head, he forced himself to stop. It pained him to not be able to imagine this future together with Rey. Normally they had sat in each other's arms while talking about their dreams, building their imaginary future together. It felt wrong to that alone now, while Rey was injured.

Instead, Ben’s mind wandered into the opposite direction. He remembered the first time they had met. It had been a little over two-and-a-half years ago.

_Rey disliked working in the coffee shop. She didn't like to say she hated it, because Maz - her boss - wasn't that bad. In fact, the old lady was one of the best people Rey knew - even though she was also one of the most eccentric. While working for Maz was more than acceptable, having to pretend to be friendly to all the customers, tolerating all their different moods, wasn't something that Rey enjoyed._

_Two kinds of customers were the worst. The ones who were over-friendly or even flirty, who tried to get her number or were making jokes, Rey had heard much too often. But Rey had learned how to keep a professional distance that told most of them she wasn't interested. Of course there were always some who didn't get the polite rejection, but if they got handsy, physical or boundary crossing in any other way, Rey knew how to defend herself and she knew that Maz would be on her side and the customer would get a lifetime ban from the shop._

_The other kind were the arrogant businessman who sometimes found their way to her, even though the business district wasn't close and most of the people coming here were either students or people who hadn't had to wear suits to work._

_One of the latter ones entered the shop after the early morning crowd, and most of the students - who came in a little bit later - had already left. The big man in a suit loudly talking on his phone pushed the door open with too much force and scowled at the handful of people sitting in the shop._

_Rey looked him up and down and internally rolled her eyes. Of course, the asshole customer had to be one of the most gorgeous people she had ever seen. She felt herself getting angry. If he simply had been a random customer, she could have ogled him unashamedly and without contempt, but as often the universe wasn't giving her something for free._

_She tried to ignore the loud, one-sided conversation of the man in front of her, forced her face to express a polite sentiment and waited for him to approach the counter. However, he had stopped right in the middle of the shop, continuing his conversation despite the annoyance of the others sitting on the tables, enjoying their coffee._

_Rey tried to blend out what he was saying, but the man’s deep voice could not be ignored. “Do your damn job, Mitaka, and get him on the phone immediately. I know that Hux isn't unavailable right now.” There were a few seconds of silence while this Mitaka-guy obviously answered. Rey felt bad for him and thought of ways she could taint the coffee the man would order, that wouldn't fall back to her._

_“Either you get him on the phone now or I will make your life a living hell and then - when I’ve destroyed you - I will fire you and will make it impossible for you to get another job in this city.” Out of the corner of her eye, Rey saw one of her regulars attempting to stand up - probably to confront the guy to whose conversation everyone was listening in at the moment - but the other student, he always had coffee with, stopped him._

_This time the man in a suit seemed to have gotten another answer, because he muttered “Finally” and his gaze wandered across the shop. He seemed to look right through the people sitting there and had no visible reaction to their staring._

_“Did you know, Hux? Did you know who the owner was?” The man practically yelled into his phone. Snap, the regular who had wanted to confront the man in the middle of the coffee shop, had enough and loudly asked him to tone it down, but the man ignored him. He didn't even turn to him._

_“I don't care if Snoke told you to give the case to me.” There was a short pause, then the man continued. “Good morning,_ Snoke _.” The contempt and hate in his voice let Rey flinch. She had seldom - maybe never - heard this much venom in a voice. Remembering the phrase, if looks could kill, Rey imagined the other man on the phone - apparently called Snoke - dying on the spot, after hearing this one word, spoken so vitriolic._

_When the man continued to speak he wasn't yelling anymore, and not even talking in the loud voice he had used after entering the shop. It had gotten quiet now, appropriate for a normal conversation, but hearing the way he spoke was even more unsettling now - and because no one else had resumed their conversations, everyone still listened to him._

_“You did that on purpose,” the man spat out. “You did that on purpose. I walked in there, not even knowing it was his, not expecting to meet him. It was quite a surprise. Well done. But I think I’ve disappointed you.” The voice of the man clearly showed that he wasn't sorry about that. It was like he was proud of disappointing Snoke._

_After hearing Snoke’s answer, the man reverted to the former yelling. “He was sick, damn it. He was sick. And I didn’t know it. He was sick, and I was doing this god awful work for you. He was sick, and he almost died. He almost died!” The man took several heaving breaths. “Ha… My dad almost died and I wouldn't have been there.”_

_Apparently the Snoke-person used the pause after these words to say something again. “You know what Snoke. Maybe I am. Maybe I am a failure. But I had enough. I quit. It’s over. Expect my resignation on your desk today.” With these last words, the man put the phone down - Rey could hear erratic screaming coming through it, but couldn't understand any words._

_Then the man let the phone fall onto the ground, closed his eyes and stomped on it. He held his eyes closed for several moments and took several calming breaths, then opened them. Rey could see unshed tears in them, while the man looked around the shop again. This time he noticed all the other people sitting in it._

_He immediately blushed and Rey saw the tips of his ears poking through his long soft-looking hair getting red too. Damn it, why has he to be cute, too, she cursed. She didn't know what to think of him. He obviously had a temper, but there seemed to be a lot of baggage and hurt too. She felt a strange connection and interest in solving the riddle that the man in front of her presented._

_The man murmured a short “Sorry” toward the tables and then hurried to the counter. Standing in front of Rey, he removed his suit jacket and remained only in his shirt. Rey stared at his chest. Somehow it had gotten impossibly wider, and she felt the urge to run her hand over it. She swallowed and looked back up into his face to apologize, but the man himself seemed to be distracted. He gazed at her face and self-consciously Rey put a stray strand of hair behind her ear and the man’s eyes followed her movement._

_At the same time they opened their mouths to say ‘Hi’ to each other. Then the man wrung his hands together and looked down. “I am so sorry about this phone call. There was some important stuff, but I should have done that somewhere else,” he apologized._

_“It’s okay,” Rey answered, “Maybe a coffee and something sweet to eat will do you some good now?” She offered. The man nodded and looked on the board above her. “Could I have a big black coffee and…” his eyes wandered to the section with food “... and whatever you think would be best to eat with that.”_

_Rey nodded. “Do you want to take that with you or eat it here?” Surprised, the man looked at her. “Would it… Would it be okay if I eat it here? You know… after the whole situation?” He cringed, but Rey simply smiled reassuringly at him. “Of course it’s okay. Just sit down and I bring everything to you.” After a quiet ‘Thank-you’ the man went to the table, farthest away from everyone else and sat down._

_When Rey brought him his coffee and pastry, he thanked her again and then looked back out of the window, lost in his thoughts. Rey almost missed Maz entering the shop, because she had gotten herself lost while staring at the man, whose name she still didn't know._

_The older woman stepped to the counter, looked at Rey and asked: “And who are you looking at?” Rey’s head shot to her, but Maz had already found the person Rey had stared at and Maz’s eyes got even bigger. “BEN SOLO!” Her voice filled the entire shop, and every head shot around to the small women._

_“Maz?” was the only word that got out of the man’s mouth - Ben Solo’s mouth as Rey knew now. Ben stood up as on instinct and then halfway up, sat down again, unsure about how to react. Maz urged him to come over to her with her arms. “Don't let me wait, young boy.”_

_Boy, Rey scoffed in her head, Ben certainly was_ _not a boy. But then she understood what that must have meant. If Maz was calling him a boy, then she must have known the man from quite a young age - Rey's mind wasn't trying to imagine a much younger version of Ben - definitely not. She'd only known that man for a few minutes. Becoming so attached, so fascinated would be ridiculous - especially for her._

_Now Ben Solo stood up again and approached the two women. Rey noticed the caution in his step, as if he was unsure how to behave and what to expect. It added to the riddle he posed. Something had happened, that Ben didn't know how a person, he must have known rather well as a kid, would react to him grown-up._

_When he stood in front of Maz, she got on her toes and pulled him down on his shirt collar. “Why are you here, Ben?” Her eyes bored themselves into his._

_“_ _I was at my dad’s. We… talked, I guess.” Maz still held Ben at this uncomfortable angle. “And why were you at your dad’s shop? Voluntarily or because of your job?”_

_Ben swallowed, “I got sent there.” Maz’s hold on Ben grew tighter, but otherwise she wasn't reacting. Rey thought she probably saw how Ben’s eyes had gotten distant and that he had to add something. “I didn't know it was his’. I did nothing and then left. I came here and I quit.” His eyes focused back on Maz. “I quit Maz. I am free.”_

_The smile on Maz’s face seemed bigger than her face. She let go of Ben and instead pulled him into a fierce hug and whispered to him. The words were too silent for Rey to understand. But they comforted Ben, and he nodded and hugged the women back._

_From there on Ben often visited the small coffee shop, and it was the beginning of Rey and Ben getting to know each other._

Ben remembered how fast he and Rey had gotten comfortable with each other - and because of his conversation with Hux and Snoke right in front of her, it hadn't been difficult to tell her about working for Snoke. They could feel the abandonment each of them had experienced and found comfort in each other. 

Ben had been glad that he told Rey basically everything about his past before she had taken him with her to meet her friends, because every single one of the three was somehow connected to him - and none of them in a good way.

He understood their first reactions to him, he could understand that it was taking time for them to accept, that he had changed. Ben wasn't expecting that they would like him, but when Rey was suffering under the impossibility of Ben, Rose, Poe, and Finn spending time together, where everyone enjoyed themselves, Ben decided that it would be better if they kept their distance from each other.

When Rey had moved in with him, eleven months after their first meeting - she had needed a new apartment and Ben had a free room - the three consequently never visited. Therefore, they never noticed how Ben and Rey got closer while living together, they never noticed how her things wandered into his drawers and closet. They never noticed how Rey’s bed was unslept in.

The three never knew that Ben and Rey began to date one month after she had moved in. They never knew that he proposed to her fifteen months after that. They never knew - and that led to the most painful experience Ben ever had.

* * *

It was the afternoon, exactly a week after Rey’s accident. All four were waiting next to her bed. They had looked at Rey so much for the past days that they had resorted to read, quietly talking - not to Ben - or distracting themselves in another way while waiting for Rey’s condition to improve.

So they didn't notice her eyes fluttering, they didn't notice her fingers twitching - every time Ben held Rey’s hand he got dirty looks from the others. Rey’s eyes opened, and she watched the quiet and seemingly peaceful scene in her hospital room. “Seriously? I have to get into an accident, so you all overcome your problems and bond?”

“What?” Rose shrieked and every one of the four hurried to stand next to Rey. “How do you feel?” Finn asked. “Are you okay?” Poe implored. Ben was speechless and observed Rey trying to see if she was hiding pain and waiting for her to speak. “I feel fine guys,” Rey reassured the others, “some numbness and some dull pain, but nothing bad.” Poe snorted. “That’s probably the pain medication.”

Rey looked at Poe, Rose, and Finn and smiled. “Thank you for calling and telling Ben, that means so much to me.” Up on her words, the three frowned. “What do you mean they called me, Rey?” Ben asked. There seemed to be something he was missing, he thought to himself. While he could understand Rey’s first sentence as a misinterpretation of the scene in front of her, her last sentence wasn't making any sense. Rey turned to him. “You know… because you all can't stand each other. But they told you, when the hospital called them.” 

Ben got the feeling that something was very wrong. Their entire conversation was somehow wrong. “Rey, the hospital called me. Our landline was named home in your phone and so they called it…” Frowning, he observed her taking his answer in.

“Why would your landline be named ‘Home’ on my phone? If I had a ‘home’-number saved in my phone, that would be my dorm, but that’s just saved as ‘Dorm’ - like it should be…” Irritated Rey looked at the four people around her. Silence spread itself between them. Then Poe cautiously spoke up, “Rey?” She turned her head to him. “What is the last thing you remember?” 

“Ehm… Graduation was two days ago. I still have to find somewhere to live now. We were drinking yesterday - of course not with Ben, because you four still keep your distance from each other. And today Ben and I wanted to eat Brunch together.” Rey had counted the events on her fingers. When she finished, she looked up at four white faces staring at her.

“What?” she asked? Then she saw the tears running from Ben’s eyes and a sob wrecking through his body. His hand shot in front of his mouth as if to push the sound back in. As in trance Finn opened his mouth, “That was over one-and-a-half years ago.”

His words hit Rey like a punch. “No, no, no. That isn’t possible. Please…” She looked to the four people around her, maybe waiting for them to tell her it was a bad joke, maybe she wanted some form of help or comfort. Rose was trying to control her emotions and held onto Rey’s hand. Finn was still pale as if he didn't know how to process this new bit of information. Poe had turned around, trying to form a plan on how to best move forward. 

The last person Rey looked for help at was Ben. He had sunken back into his chair, his body trembling while his hands were hiding his face. One one of them Rey could see a ring. Despite everything going on, her brain unhelpful told her what she was seeing. Ben was wearing an engagement ring.

Ben didn’t see the pain shooting through Rey’s eyes, he didn't see the tears forming in them. After realizing that Rey had lost the whole memory of them living together, of them being together, of them dreaming together, of them loving each other openly, his world plunged into darkness. He couldn't do anything else than falling back into his chair - unable to keep standing. He couldn't do anything else than mourning the forgotten memory. The stress of the last days, all the time he hadn’t been able to touch and hold the love of his life, all the days full of worrying about Rey, finally catching up with him. How cruel life could be to let her wake up, but keep her memory from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will definitely finish this story - it's only three more chapters and the plan is to have it completely uploaded before october ends.
> 
> (Also for the one's reading one of my other WIP, they too will be finished. I won't let anyone hanging. Updates will just be (a lot) slower.)


	5. What do you want?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben finds Rey after she left the hotel the morning of her wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so very sorry for taking so long to update. But - as I promised - I won't abandon this story, and I know I said it several times, but I really hope I will finish these last chapters faster, but you know... Life comes in the way of writing much too often...
> 
> Also: This chapter is the shortest of this story - this was always very likely, from my first outlines of this story to the last version. It's a quiet, very introspective and intimate chapter. Two dialogues that shuffle everyone into place for the finale in chapter 7 (chapter 6 will be one last flashback, one last time pure pain and hurt).

Ben and Rose both decided to drive separately to the places where they guessed Rey might hide. They kept each other updated through texts, so they wouldn’t drive to the same locations twice. Neither had any luck at the first few places they were looking. Rey wasn’t at her and Finn’s apartment, not at Rose’s, not at Ben’s, not in the park she liked, not in the Botanical Garden.

Slowly Ben’s mind went to more and more unlikely ideas where Rey could be. Maybe she ran away. Maybe… Maybe… Ben’s mind stopped. He wouldn’t let his mind go there. Rey was fine. She didn’t have an accident again. He wouldn’t even imagine it. He wasn’t superstitious, but he wouldn’t tempt fate.

He forced himself to think of places where Rey could be. He went through all the places she told him of; places they explored together, then places they had met. And then he had his answer. If his conversation with Rey in the night had caused her disappearance, then maybe she was somewhere that connected to both their pasts, a place important to both of them and their connection. If this was true, then this place would be Maz’s coffee shop. Maz wouldn’t send her away. Maz wouldn’t judge – at least not in the way that hurt. Maz’s Cantina was a safe place for them both.

Quickly Ben drove through the streets and as he got closer, he felt that he was at the right place. He felt it in his heart – Rey’s presence. She was near. She had to. He knew it deep inside him. He felt taut as a bowstring. He arrived and parked in front of the Maz’s shop and hurried to the front door.

Even though it was dark inside, the door was unlocked. Ben entered and in a half-loud voice called after Rey. Maz appeared in the door that led to the back of the shop, where no customers were allowed. “Ben,” she greeted him.

“Is she here, Maz? Is Rey here?” Ben asked her frantically. Maz nodded and Ben wanted to go past her but stopped when he saw Maz’s facial expression. “What?” he asked warily, and Maz sighed.

“She has said nothing. Not a single word. I just lead her to the inner yard, and she has sat there for a few hours. Sometimes she cries, sometimes she just stares into the void. Ben, you need to listen to me. There are people who prefer to hear lies to make their own lives easier. There are people who prefer to tell lies to make other people’s lives easier. But only the truth sets free. The truth isn’t easier, doesn’t necessarily make you happier, but it is freeing. The freedom of truth takes priority over the happiness of lies,” Maz implored him.

* * *

Slowly Ben walks through the hallway into the courtyard. With each step, his nervousness grew. What would he find? How would Rey react? Could he listen to Maz’s advice? Would the truth come to light in a few minutes? Would… Would Rey hate him for lying?

The first thing he saw of her was her back, while she sat on a bench. The back that had been pressed into his chest each night for many, glorious months. Her head hung forward and her hair hid her head. Ben loved Rey’s hair, he loved to feel it between his hands; he loved the sounds Rey made, when he stroked it, he loved the way her eyes shined, when he braided it.

Ben saw the moment Rey heard his steps, he saw the quick shift in her body. He knew she recognized his steps – even though she didn’t remember the months of living together, she remembered his behavior, his mannerisms, his ticks, how he sounded, when he walked, talked, did something.

“What are you doing here, Ben?” she asked. She didn’t turn around and Ben stopped a step behind her. “Leave me alone, Ben.” She said into the silence. “Leave me, like you planned to. Leave me, like you did last night.”

“Rey…”, that single word held all of Ben’s love, his pain, his inability to truly leave her. Tears welled in his eyes. Now she did turn around. Her tears mirrored his own, flowing down both of their cheeks. “What are you doing here?” Rey repeated herself.

“You left the hotel.” Ben evaded her question. Rey huffed and turned forward again but shuffled slightly to the side to make space for Ben as he sat down. There was a small amount of distance between both of their bodies.

“What are **you** doing here?” Rey repeated herself for the second time, pronouncing her question differently. Ben wrung his hands together. “I am not completely sure, yet.” He answered softly. “You were gone, there was chaos, we all talked and then Rose, and I searched for you.” Rey frowned. “You **and** Rose?”

“Separate cars to cover as many places as possible,” Ben explained, and Rey nodded. “What are you sure of, Ben? You must have some kind of plan. Or at least a few rough ideas of what to do. You always have.”

Ben’s gaze wandered to his hands as if searching for answers in them. “The plan was to find you, then to talk to you, and then we planned on getting everyone together, because we all need to talk.” Now Rey looked at him again. “Who is ‘everyone’?” Ben looked back at her “Rose and Poe and Finn and me and you.”

“And whose plan is that?” Rey asked. A small smile formed on Ben’s face despite the situation they were in. “I think mostly Rose’s and maybe a little bit Poe’s, too.” Rey’s eyes grew slightly. “You talked with each other?” she asked, surprised. Ben just nodded. Slowly shaking her head, Rey looked at the sky and murmured inaudibly.

“What do we have to talk about?” she asked after several moments of silence. “You said ‘we all need to talk’. Need to talk about what?” Uneasily Ben shifted from side to side. He didn’t know how much he should reveal, or if he should wait until they were all together. They also had never clarified where to meet. Maybe it would be easiest if the others came here. Rose was still searching for Rey. Finn and Poe were still at the hotel, but the rooms were still booked until tomorrow and both could just leave.

“I think, we should wait for Poe, Finn, and Rose. I can text them to come here, then we can all talk. Until then, we could just sit here.” Ben said. Rey shrugged first, but then nodded and Ben texted Rose and asked her to text Poe and Finn, too, because he didn’t have their numbers. “They said they need ten to fifteen minutes to get here,” Ben informed Rey. Then silence encompassed both again.

A bird was flying above them and there were faint noises from the surrounding houses, but it was mostly silent around the two figures sitting on the bench. Both leaned back, looked into the sky. One full of untold secrets, the smaller one full of regret and grief, and the feeling of having taken a wrong turn somewhere in the past after she had woken up in the hospital.

“I don’t want to hurt Finn,” Rey suddenly broke their silence. “He is a good friend and I don’t want to hurt him, but…” She fell silent again. Ben let his head fall onto his side to look at her. “…. But I think I’m not ready to marry him. I thought about what you said last night. I thought about what I want. About things I hid inside myself. About things I am afraid about.

Maz said something to me. When I started working here, she had told me that the belonging I seek is not behind me, but ahead. But then she said belonging is not a place where there is a mold for you, a mold you can fit into you. Belonging are a people. People who catch you, when you fall. People who explore the depths of yourself with you. People who make space for you. People who let you be free and let you grow.”

Rey’s voice had gotten quieter with each sentence. “I think… I think Finn is a person who would catch me. I think he wants to make space for me in his life, he has made space for me. I think, he wants me to grow. But I also… I also think he won’t explore my depths with me. He is more concerned for my safety than my freedom – and I love him for that. I love him for wanting to stay with me. But I think there is something in him that gets unhappy with parts of me. He wants to stand in between me and dangers, he wants to protect me, maybe even protect me from parts that are me. But I don’t need a protector. I want someone to stand at my side, to challenge me, to cherish the growth we both would live through. I want someone who is in awe of all my parts, the light and the dark and all the colors in between. I don’t want someone who takes my hand to pull me away from danger, but someone who stands back to back with me to fight the danger. Not someone who comes to save me, but someone who stands at my side knowing I can save myself but lending a hand to stand at my side despite of that.”

Rey had only whispered her last words. But Ben didn’t feel uncertainty in her voice. Her words were clearly thought through. Ben’s thoughts were racing. What did Rey mean? So much of what she was saying had been part of their conversation in the months, that now only existed in Ben’s memories.

Rey and he carried darkness inside them, they suffered from past hurts, that had led to a loss of control several times. They had similar fears of losing the ones they loved, they had similar fears of being rejected, of not being enough. Ben was afraid that he would get lost in the shoes everyone expected him to fill. Rey was afraid that she would become invisible and lost.

There had been times where they had hurt each other, where they had lashed out, kept their feelings in and tried to ignore it, until everything became too big to be contained and erupted in fiery arguments. But they had never abandoned each other. They had carried each other’s pain and worked through it.

Rey hadn’t judged Ben’s abrasiveness, that he never had completely lost. She had loved it instead. She had loved these two complementary sides of him. She had loved how Ben could blast through people like Hux and Snoke, as if they were out of paper, but became shy and blushed, when he noticed everyone was staring at him. Rey had loved that he had shown her his secrets, because she knew he loved her enough to be completely open with her. Even with his parents, he had difficulties to let himself be vulnerable, but never with Rey. Ben trusted Rey with everything from him – and in return he gladly welcomed every side Rey showed him of herself.

Ben loved her feral side, her distaste for manners and ignorance for rules, her scavenging, the cluttering of their apartment with things from visits to fairs. He loved her roughness. He loved Rey’s love for greenery and plants; he loved her soft side, her daydreaming, he loved her singular focus; he loved seeing her practical mind. He wanted to discover every single side of her, cherish every hidden habit.

Ben knew at one point he had been the person Rey had just described. He knew he had been. They had talked about it. They had wanted to marry, because they were this person to each other. They had known they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together – to never be separated.

Their souls had recognized each other. Their souls had grown accustomed to each other’s presence. Their souls had intertwined and loved each other. Their souls were never meant to be separated again. But one freak accident had changed everything. One accident had stolen Ben’s soul from Rey’s. Had made two things out of one. Ben’s soul had faded from Rey’s and she had hidden herself away and sought comfort in the presence of her friends.

But before he could answer her, voices came from the hallway. Poe, Finn, and Rose had arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The five are now in position for their much-needed talk. The truth is ready to come out,


	6. I can't control withering wonders / flowers that lose their shape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here his the last flashback chapter. Four months before her wedding, and 10 months after her accident, Rey meets with Ben, because she has to tell him something important. Not knowing this, Ben himself plans to tell Rey something of utmost importance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a hundert percent convinced of how I wrote this chapter, because I'm not sure if I got their emotions across in the way I want, but I want to finish this story next week - and the last chapter needs to wrap up a lot of story, so it may become the longest of this story.
> 
> Also: There are more than one possibility of how Amnesia-fics can end happily, there is more than one way to restore memory, some endings may don't even need that. But I promise, that this story has it's happy end. It's a reylo-fic, it's christmas time, it's 2020, I cannot not write a happy end.
> 
> The chapter title is from the song "Thousand Eyes" by Of Monsters and Men.

4 months before the wedding day

Ten months. Almost ten months, Ben had endured. Almost ten months, he had accepted that Rey needed time, needed to heal. Almost ten months, he had waited. Ten months long, their friendship had developed like the first time – only slower.

But Ben’s strength has worn out. He was at the end of what he could handle. It was time for him to tell Rey the truth. They were already waiting for ten months for her memories to come back – but nothing had happened. For nine months she had lived in Finn’s apartment, because apparently ‘he couldn’t be trusted with taking care of her’.

Ben had accepted that Rey’s friends had taken over her life. He had accepted that they made all the decisions for her. Decisions he thought were wrong and Rey wouldn’t have wanted before the accident.

Ben had taken a step back. He had given Rey time. He had given her friend's time. He had tried to not to disturb the tentative balance they had forced him into after the accident. A balance that skewered heavily in favor of Rey’s friends. But Ben knew the strength of his love for Rey. He had been so sure that her memories would come back. And then he would be there for her, his door, his home, his heart open for her. But after ten months, Rey’s memories were still covered in darkness.

Rey continued to live a lie, a life she had not chosen for herself, she lived the future of a past that should never have manifested. Rey’s life, her own future, the future she had chosen for herself, had been stolen from her. Circumstances from before and after the accident had led to the situation, they were in now. Ben was the one who carried something in him, that no one else. He had knowledge of Rey’s story that no one else had.

Enough was enough, Ben thought, it had to stop. They had to give Rey the possibility to know all the facts, to come home again. Ben would make sure Rey had every knowledge she needed to decide for herself. He wouldn’t accept any resistance; he wouldn’t accept any kind of rebellion. They had kept her locked in a life she had never chosen for long enough.

The topic of their engagement had only once come up again – the day they had discussed where Rey could live. Finn, Rose, Poe, Dr. Kalonia, and he had sat in a room to talk about every possibility available. When he brought Rey’s and his engagement up as a reason for her to stay with him, he was quickly shot down. Poe and Finn made him clear that should he ever bring up the engagement again – which they thought was a sham and a lie – then they would resort to other methods to separate Ben and Rey.

Ben felt guilty for not ignoring this threat. He felt guilty for keeping this hidden for so long. But tonight, Rey and he were supposed to get Dinner together. Rey had actually asked him to meet her. And Ben would use this moment to tell her everything about their past. He knew there was no certain outcome of this evening, everything could happen. But Ben was at the road’s end – he’d gone all-in.

He knew that Finn and Rey had started dating four months after her accident. She had told Ben that living with Finn had made it plausible to date after Finn had asked her out. They already spent their days together, and she had always loved Finn. Only because she never

had imagined a romantic relationship with him didn’t mean that it wouldn’t be a good relationship. She could trust Finn, that there was almost no scenario where he would leave her. And concerning the few scenarios she could think of, she would do everything to avoid them, she had joked with rather humorlessly.

It had hurt. Rey telling Ben that she was in a relationship with Finn had ripped something open inside him, but Ben had told himself that Rey would come back to him after her memories would return. He told himself that he loved her enough to wait for that moment – to then finally have the truth come to light. Maybe he was also a little petty and couldn’t wait for the expression on Finn’s and Poe’s faces when Rey would finally remember.

But month after month had passed, and Rey still didn’t remember. For six months Ben had watched Finn and Rey’s relationship to progress and progress, without anything changing. There were small changes in his relationship with Rey. Sometimes she grew more distanced, sometimes she explicitly seemed to seek his proximity. Ben couldn’t bear it anymore. The whole situation took a strain on him – sometimes it was worse than when he had worked for Snoke.

All his hope sat on this evening. Either their love should be, or his life would fundamentally change. But before the evening was over, everything had gone much differently than Ben could have ever had imagine

* * *

Rey had chosen a small Italian restaurant. Not something too expensive – that was never Rey’s style – but intimate and familial, with good food for a more than reasonable price. She already sat at a table when Ben entered the restaurant. He saw her immediately, and she saw him, clearly waiting for him.

As he approached their table, she stood up and hugged him, then quickly sat down again. Keeping her hands in her lap, so they were hidden beneath the table. Ben was nervous and therefore didn’t really notice Rey’s own nervousness.

They ordered something to drink and when their server came back to hand them their menu, both shook their heads, already knowing what they wanted to eat. When Ben reached for his glass to clink his with hers, he prepared himself for the conversation he needed to have. Already opening his mouth, Rey disrupted him, still keeping her hands in her lap, not reaching for her glass.

“Ben? I…” Rey began, but then stopped again. Ben frowned and looked at Rey. Finally, he noticed how uncomfortable she seemed. Evading his eyes more and more. Ben put his glass back down. “What is it, Rey?” he asked her – momentarily forgetting that he had planned to talk with her.

“I have to tell you something, Ben.” Rey began again. Ben froze – this were the words he expected himself to say, but not to hear them from her. Uncertainty growing on Rey’s face, she lifted her hands from her lap. She extended her left hand to Ben – automatically he took her small hands in his. Instinctively stroking it with his thumbs, when one of them felt a small object where her fingers met her palm.

Everything in Ben stocked. He didn’t breathe. His thumps stopped their motion. His entire body was stiff as a statue. Without averting his eyes from Rey’s face – she hadn’t been able to keep her gaze, but stared at their touching hands – his thumps tremblingly stroked over the strange object again, felt it: it’s roundness, how it sat on her finger, a small cold band.

Ben’s thumbs moved to the side of Rey’s hand, counting her fingers until they landed on the one that carried the ring. Finally, Ben exhaled again, his eyes dropping to their hands, to the point where Rey was already looking at.

As Ben’s eyes met the ring sitting on Rey’s left ring finger, his entire world seemed to shatter. The pain was incomparable to the one he felt when Rey had told him she would date Finn. The thoughts that had come to a halt in his mind started to race faster than ever before.

The world around Ben crumbling to ruins, he tried to form a plan on how to react. He tried to find words to say. He forcibly took control of his body to not let any treacherous signs show. How should he react? How? How could he react? What energy did he have left to keep his façade from crumbling, too?

Emotions warred in him. Anger. Grief. Sorrow. Pain. Rage.

Rey had chosen. Not only had she chosen to try a relationship with Finn. Which had been an important decision, Ben knew that. But relationships constantly changed, ended, transformed. But this wasn’t just a relationship. This was an **engagement ring**. Rey had chosen to get engaged.

Ben knew the time and work it had taken for them both to be able to make this decision, when he had proposed to Rey. This wasn’t a decision that was easy for her. She must have had thought a long time about it – but at no point had she talked to him.

Why hadn’t she talked to him? Why hadn’t she said that Finn and she were thinking about marrying, about starting a family, about becoming one? Why? WHY? **WHY?**

Ben forced himself back to the present. He had to say something. He couldn’t wait any longer. But what was there to say. What words could he possibly offer while standing in the ruins of his past, present, and future?

“You got engaged?” The words tumbled out of his mouth, because of the lack of any possible alternative. Rey nodded. “To Finn?” Ben asked – even if he knew the answer. Again, Rey nodded. Letting go of Rey’s hand, it nearly dropped onto the table before she could stop it. “It’s a nice ring.” Ben offered. Rey simply shrugged. She was still evading his eyes. “Yeah, it’s fine. I think I like it.”

Ben didn’t know how to continue. Could he still have that conversation he had planned to have? Was it right to tell her all of that? Make her question her reality? Should he interfere with this decision Rey had made? She may not have had all the facts, but she still had made a decision. A decision that couldn’t have been easy – as Ben’s mind was telling him again and again. “Are you happy, Rey?” Ben finally dared to ask – but only in a whispered voice.

Rey took a deep breath and locked her eyes onto his. “I… Yes… Well…”. Again, she took a fortifying breath. “Right now, I am happier than I have been for a long time,” she told him. Ben couldn’t keep looking at her too scared to find something in her eyes, in her face, in her, he wasn’t ready for.

Ben shoved his emotions deep, deep down in him. Internally he was sinking into chaos, but he couldn’t show Rey that he couldn’t allow her to see. Rey deserved her happiness; Rey deserved her happy end. He had wanted Rey to choose – and she did. She chose. She just didn’t choose him. This time she chose differently – apparently a one unique, a singular kind of love, wasn’t meant to happen twice. Their love had been magnificent, it had been a once in a lifetime kind of love – and once in a lifetime obviously had to be understood literally. Their love had already happened, then it was stolen, and now it was gone, gone forever.

“Congratulations,” Ben whispered, forcing a small smile on his lips. To his surprise, Rey didn’t call him out on his obvious lie. Rey simply thanked him, and from there on they ignored the topic of her engagement. Both unwilling to address the pile of unsaid emotions and feelings between.

Rey gladly accepted Ben’s congratulations. It had made everything so much easier. And that was what she wanted, wasn't it? Maybe Rey didn’t want to know why Ben acted so strange after she told him about her engagement. Maybe she wanted to believe his lie. Maybe she didn’t allow herself to dream about any other possibility than the life she had now chosen. Maybe Rey was too afraid. Maybe Rey chose safety over her more unreliable dreams that may never come into distance. Maybe it was easier to trust into something that was there, than into something that would be more wonderful.

* * *

After the evening had ended, Ben stumbled towards home. His lonely, cold, empty home. Maybe not a home, more a house, a place to live, a hut, a shack. Certainly not a home – his home had gone up in flames earlier, when he had seen Rey’s ring and heard her silent ‘I think so. At least happier than I was for a long time’.

That second sentence had amplified the pain in Ben. ‘Happier than she had been for a long time.’ Rey may not remember their time together, but Ben certainly did. Rey may not know of the happiness she had with him, but that sentence had hurt regardless.

Ben’s mind reeled. He had to find a way into the future. A way to handle this situation. A way to pull himself up again, to rebuild his live, his future. One small object had completely and irrevocably obliterated the life that should have been his future. He had to find his place in the world anew. A place only for himself – the other half of his soul separated from him and entangled with someone else’s. What do you do, when your soulmate binds herself to someone else for eternity? Where do you find your heart again, after the person you gave it chose to love someone else? What do you do with the weight of the future you both lost, the children that now will never be born, the family you’ll never build, the life that was meant for you both, that now only lives in your mind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really excited for the last chapter, because now I get wrap up all these open and untied strings, that still exist. Rey will have to go to the entire range of emotions - and that is always exciting. As far as I remember there are only two points, where I switched to Rey's PoV (the memory, when Rey and Ben first met and the last bit of their dinner in this chapter), so I probably will stay in Ben's PoV next chapter and we get to experience Rey's full beauty and glory, her pain and strength and willpower through his eyes, which is one of the best ways to see Rey.


	7. if you must mourn, don't do it alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The entire group has the first half of their much needed conversation inside Maz's Cantina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, but I had to divide that last chapter into two. I was aware, that it would be the longest chapter of this story, but I had underestimated how it would really become. When I had reached 5000 words, but had barely half the content in it, that needed to be, I decided to up the chapter count and made the last chapter two chapters. Even now chapter 7 and 8 will be the longest chapters, each at least 1000 words longer than the average chapter length. The eight and very-last chapter will be up somewhere between Thursday and Sunday.
> 
> Chapter Title is from the song 'You' by Keaton Henson.

Rose, Poe, Finn entered the yard. “Rey…”, was the only word that slipped out of Finn’s mouth as Ben and Rey turned around to face them. There was a wary silence between the five. No one knew how to start – even though they all knew they had to and wanted to speak with each other.

Rey made the first step. “Should we sit down in the café?” she proposed. Everyone made their way inside again, where Maz was nowhere to be seen. The group sat around a table. Poe and Finn close to each other. Rose and Rey sat down next to each other on another side of the table – Rose was sitting between Finn and Rey. Ben sat down across from Poe and Finn and next to Rey.

Rey turned toward Finn. She opened her mouth multiple times, but no words came out. “It’s okay, Rey.” Finn told her. “I’m not gonna pretend I understand what happened, but I think I understand enough, that something significant happened.” His shoulders slumped.

Tears came to Rey’s eyes. A quiet “Finn…” broke out of her. Rose put her hand on Rey’s shoulder and comforted her. “I left you Finn.” Rey said. “I left you on our wedding day. I am so sorry, but… I can’t, Finn. I can’t… I can’t marry you.” Pained, she tilted her head and pleadingly looked at him.

The tears in Rey’s eyes were mirrored in Finn’s and he leaned into Poe’s side. “Rey… please don’t apologize. I think…” He stopped and looked down. Finn wrung his hands together. “Rey, there is something you have to know. We all have something to say to you.”

Confusion showed itself on Rey’s face. “What?” She looked at everyone in the café. Everyone had similar expressions on their faces – it showed their wariness, their caution, their fear, their sorrow. “What is happening?” Rey asked. “Ben already said that we have to talk, but I don’t know why? What happened? Why do you all have to talk to me?” Frowning, she repeated her look around the people sitting next to her.

Now Rose took the first step. “First, we want to apologize. Apologize for what we did to you. For not trusting you to befriend good people.” Finn and Poe nodded affirmatively. “We never let go of our resentment towards Ben, and we should have. We ignored every sign that he had changed. We searched for reasons to continue to hate him. We treated you like a child, that can’t make their own friendships.”

An exhausted and tiny smile showed itself on Rey’s face. “Thank you for saying this. It means a lot to me, that you talked about this and solved this problem.” Her smile vanished. “It hurt a lot. How you treated each other – especially how you three treated Ben and me. I…” Rey swallowed. “I couldn’t talk about Ben with anyone. Sometimes I doubted myself, if there was something I wasn’t seeing, but every time I was with Ben felt fantastic…”

Ben had silently next to Rey for the last minutes, now he took Rey’s hand into his – wordlessly communicating back to her, that he felt as comfortable with her as she did with him. He decided that now was the right moment to acknowledge his own part in the dynamic of their group. “I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry for never really making an effort to connect with you three. I’m sorry, Rey, that I let myself be content enough with your presence, without trying to solve this thing between me and them, that hurt you so much.”

Rey answered Ben’s look at her and softly replied, “Thank you, Ben, that means a lot to me.” Then she chuckled. “That really takes a weight off my mind.” Then she looked at Finn. “Finn, I…” then Rey’s eyes wandered to Poe and Rose. “Finn, Rose, Poe, I think I still want to explain why I left today. I already said a bit to Ben before you arrived here, but you are my best friends – you are my family. I want to talk about this.”

Poe laughed humorlessly. “Oh Rey – that wasn’t everything we have to tell you, there is so much more.” He ran his hands over his face, then put one arm back around Finn’s shoulder, who still looked unwell. But something in him seemed to transform.

“We actually don’t know the complete story ourselves.” Finn began. “We didn’t even realize there was a story to be known… We were so sure of ourselves, but this morning, when we searched for you, we had a talk.” Finn looked at Ben. “Rose, Poe, and I barged into Ben’s room – we thought we knew what had happened. Rose saw him leave your room last night… I was so sure of everything.” Finn shook his head and leaned further into Poe.

“There was no doubt in me. I had this preconceived notion of what had happened, what Ben would say after we pulled the truth out of him. I… we all… we were so, so wrong. We were so wrong about so many things – and apparently there are a lot of things that seemed impossible, but when we realized Ben was different from what we thought, when we were confronted with the real him, not with this version in our head, then everything we were so sure of became unsure. Things we were convinced were lies, are probably true, and…”

There Finn’s voice faltered. Rey’s face showed her pure confusion. Ben knew that contrary to her three other friends, she had seen the real him. Rey had always hoped her friends would see this version of him, too. But they had never made the effort, and he hadn’t really attempted to change their mind, too.

“What things are you talking about, Finn?” Rey asked. The conversation had a physical effect on her body – it had curled into itself, her arms hugging herself, as if fearing an attack. Insecurity was seeping out of her – it seemed as if her body knew of what would follow, even if her mind couldn’t know it yet. Her body was prepared to defend itself against the shaking of the foundations of her reality, Ben hoped that her mind and heart could overcome what would follow, too.

Pained Finn looked at her. “Rey… I… I don’t even know everything myself… I just know that we missed an important point, and I am afraid. I am afraid of what we might have done.” Finn’s eyes wandered to Ben. “I am so, so sorry, Ben. When we arrived at that hospital, we were so afraid. And then you said… you said… but we didn’t know… Rey had said nothing… I didn’t **want** to believe it. But seeing you this morning, hearing you… It was as if my entire perspective shifted, as if some veil was lifted. You were so different from the foil I had in my head… And now I am afraid, what else we got wrong, what else we didn’t know…”

Rey turned to Ben, too. “What is he talking about, Ben? I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything?” Ben took her hands into his. “You remember that they called our… my home, when you were in the accident?” Rey nodded.

“Yes, of course. At first, I didn’t understand how that was possible, I still thought I was living in the dorms. But I never moved back with you – the doctors… Finn and Poe and Rose thought it would be better, if I was living with Finn. I lost twenty months of memory with you, that was more than half of the time we knew each other. It seemed to be better, safer to move in with Finn. I only came back after Finn and I began to date.” Rey rambled, trying to make sense of where the conversation was leading.

“Right,” Ben agreed. “But we weren’t just living with each other. You know, you moved in with me, one month after the moment, where your memories stopped, right?” Rey nodded affirmatively. Everyone around the table was listening to Ben, captivated by his words – neither of them knew the entire story. “Well, one month after you moved in, you kind of moved again…” Rey tilted her head to the side, looking at Ben. “You… well… you moved into my room so to say.”

“I moved into your room? But why? Where were you?” Rey asked. Poe chuckled – even if the atmosphere in the café wasn’t really loose and comfortable enough to allow laughter, jokes and humor. Realization dawned on Rey’s face in that moment. “Wait… you’re saying that… When you say, ‘moved into your room’, you mean ‘move into your room, together with you’?”

“Yes, Rey.” Ben confirmed softly. “We were living together in one room, slept in one bed, and all that stuff that people do, when they love each other and live together.” Ben saw the wheels of Rey’s mind turning and turning and turning as she processed that new bit of information. “We loved each other?”

Continuously caressing her hands with his thumbs, Ben held Rey’s gaze, her eyes shining with wonder. “Yes, Rey,” Ben repeated himself. “We loved each other. After you moved in, we very quickly spent so much time together and got so close, that we couldn’t ignore it anymore. For approximately fifteen months you were my girlfriend – it wasn’t always easy, we had our fights, and we had to talk about them, which we had to learn, but we were happier than ever before.”

“Fifteen months…” Rey iterated quietly – Ben saw that it took her some time to adjust to that shift of her past. Silence dominated the room, while everyone either let that fact settle in or waited for the others to catch up.

Suddenly Rose interrupted the silence. “Eighteen months. You were together for eighteen months.” She corrected Ben, who blushed because of her words. Then Rose realized her mistake. “Wait you said ‘girlfriend’. So that is when you…” she stopped. “Sorry, Ben, go on.” Rey had quizzically observed Rose, but when her friend sheepishly looked down after she had noticed her mistake, Rey looked back to Ben. “That is when what? What happened then?” 

“After fifteen months, we knew each other. We knew what we wanted from our lives, we knew what our dreams were, we knew what we wanted our futures to look like – and we knew that we wanted the same. We both wanted to start a family, so… I asked you to marry me.” Ben continued his story and reminiscences.

“You proposed?” Rey asked.

“Yes, I proposed.” Ben replied.

“And I said yes?” Rey asked in a quieter voice.

“And you said yes.” Ben affirmed.

“So, after fifteen months, I wasn’t your girlfriend anymore…” Rey left her sentence unfinished. “Because you became my fiancé.” Ben completed it.

“We were engaged.” Rey said out loud. “You and I, we were engaged. I loved you and then I decided to marry you. I…” Ben could see how Rey tried to come to terms with that revelation. From their conversation in the yard, Ben knew that in the last hours Rey had finally accepted to herself, that what she wanted in life and what others thought would be right for her, wasn’t always one and the same. She had told Ben how she finally decided to stop hiding parts of herself. He knew that she was now at a similar point, as she had been a few months after living together. But Ben had no clue of how Rey would react now – after the accident everything had changed, and that still held true now. Rey may have rediscovered that part of herself, had finally stopped to be afraid to pursue what she wanted – even if that meant to go against the expectations of the people, that had become her family – but that didn’t automatically mean that she would choose him again. She had chosen differently this time around. There was no telling of how this conversation would develop.

Ben observed how emotions were wandering through Rey’s eyes – only some of them visible on her face as she looked down onto the table. Her hands still clasped in his. Then her head shot up, and she turned to the three people on the other side of her. “Wait… you didn’t know? You didn’t know, Ben and I were together? You didn’t know he and I were engaged?”

“You never told us, Rey.” Rose replied and helplessly looked to the boys on her side. “Rey, you know that we never wanted to talk about Ben, if it wasn’t about being angry with him.” Finn continued in the same tone as Rose. “We never imagined that you two would be together, at least not that you would want to be with him. I… We think… we know we made it almost impossible for you to talk about him.”

Tears were building in Rey’s eyes. “I hid it from you? I hid from you, that I loved him? I hid from you, that I was engaged to him?” When Rose wanted to touch her shoulder again, Rey jerked back. “I… I was brave enough to… to love Ben, but couldn’t tell you? You are my family…” Tears were now flowing freely down Rey’s cheeks. Ben was glad that every hidden secret would now be revealed, but he hated the pain and sorrow it caused Rey.

Then suspicion began to dominate her facial features. “Finn, you said you didn’t believe Ben; you said that you were too afraid, too ignorant to believe. What happened?”

“Rey…” Finn began, then stopped, searching for words. “Finn, tell me! What happened? I want the entire story.” Rey told him slowly, getting more rigid.

Poe sighed. “When we arrived at the hospital, Ben was already there. Kaydel had called us and led us to your room, and when we entered, Ben was already there. And they said… He said, he was your fiancé. It was absurd… At that moment, we all didn't know whether to laugh or… or do something else. That was the last thing we’d expected.” He told Rey.

Rose continued to tell their story. “Ben showed us his ring, told us yours was at home, and that you were gonna tell us that evening. In fact, we had planned to meet that evening, but it all seemed so unbelievable. You and Kylo Ren… engaged?” Ben flinched the mention of his old alias.

“That’s not his name,” Rey gritted out. Fury settled in her eyes. “So – only to confirm – you came into my hospital room, saw Ben, the guy I was living with,…” Poe interrupted her at this point. “Well, that we didn’t know.” Rose shot him an angry glare and Finn hit him lightly on his shoulder. Poe quickly apologized.

“You knew we were roommates!” Rey countered. “You saw Ben standing next to my bed, ring on his finger. The hospital knew he was my fiancé, and you just decided he was lying? Why should he have lied? What would he gain from that?” Rey’s voice rose in volume.

“Well, at this point, we thought there was much more Kylo Ren in him, than there actually was,” Finn defended and explained weakly. Rey shot up from her seat. “Even Kylo Ren wouldn’t have done that – at least not to me.” She looked at Ben, and he shrugged and nodded at the same time. “I did a lot of things, but pretending to be your fiancé probably wouldn’t have been something I would have done.” He said.

“He couldn’t be your fiancé. It was impossible.” Rose began as Rey started to wander through the room. “Why, Rose? Why would that be impossible?”

“Because that would mean that you loved Kylo Ren. That had been something no one of us could accept.” Rose explained, her eyes shining because of the tears forming in them. Their conversation ripped open wounds. They had to confront wrongs they had done. Almost everyone at the table had failed someone they loved. Almost everyone had caused pain to someone they never wanted to hurt, to someone they wanted to protect.

“So, you’re telling me, that for the last fourteen months, I lived without the knowledge of having been engaged?” Everyone nodded and Rey raked her finger through her hair – clearly exasperated. “I understand… No. I **know** why you three never told me of this conversation, never told me I may have been engaged.” Her finger pointed at Poe, Finn, and Rose. Then she spun around to Ben and her finger pointed accusingly at him. “But why did you never say anything?” She asked distraughtly.

Ben gulped, then looked at the three people sitting across from him. “She deserves to know, Ben.” Rose told him and Finn nodded. Poe only sighed and closed his eyes. Then Ben looked back at Rey, who had observed that exchange, frowning. “They threatened me,” Ben whispered.

Rey gasped but stayed silent. “They threatened me, so I kept quiet and just trusted in your memories coming back. Then the doctors and the three of you said Rey should stay with Finn – and you agreed, Rey.” When Rey wanted to interject and opened her mouth, Ben shot her a pleading look. He had to get everything out now – it hurt to keep it in. He had to confess what had happened all these months. How he had felt, how he had trusted in her, how he kept waiting and loving her. He had to confess the threat he had endured, the pain he had felt. He had to confess his passivity, his inactivity, his cowardice.

“I kept quiet, but your memories didn’t come back,” Ben continued. “Then you told me you were dating Finn, and I was hurt but chose to believe, to trust in you, in our love.” The other four hung on Ben’s every word, while Ben started a hole at the table in front of him. “Month and month passed, but you weren’t remembering – and finally I broke, finally I had enough. I decided you had to know. We met for dinner. And I had your ring with me. I knew exactly what to say, and then… and then…” Ben stopped. The memory of that day still hurt – even a few months later.

“For months I’d done nothing.” Tears were escaping his eyes. “I waited, I trusted, I told myself ‘She will remember. She will remember. She will come back.’ But you didn’t. You never came back. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what you wanted. I used to know. I used to know what you wanted. I learned to know what you wanted in all these months we were together, but after the accident… After the accident I wasn’t so sure anymore. You had changed, Rey. I kept on loving you, but I didn’t know anymore what you wanted.

I didn’t know anymore what would be best. I was so lost – and I had no one. This damn accident stole so many months, where we had grown closer, where we had told each other things – and you lost everything. It wasn’t fair. Not to you and not to me.” Hugging himself, Ben began to slightly rock back and forth. Rey couldn’t keep watching how Ben tried to calm herself without trying to help him. Cautiously she moved behind him, and hugged his body. Because Ben sat down, and Rey stood behind him, she could lean her head onto his – what would never have been possible otherwise because of their height difference.

The other three never had seen Ben and Rey so intimate with each other. They had never seen how perfectly they matched, how their bodies fit together like pieces of a puzzle. Instead of hugging himself, Ben moved his arms to grip Rey’s arms that were slung around and held him, grounded him.

“I could talk to no one.” Rey’s embrace gave Ben enough strength to continue. “I was alone with my thoughts and my doubts. Finally, I came to the decision you deserved to know all the facts. I wanted you to decide for yourself what you want to do. Explore every option. I knew the you from before the accident would have wanted that and I hoped that the you afterward would at least be okay with this decision.”

“I would have wanted, Ben. I’m not a different person – healing just took a lot longer. I still want the same things – at least I think I want the same things. I don’t feel like I have changed.” Rey whispered, then she pressed a kiss on his head. “But you never told me, Ben. You never said anything. Why did you never say anything? It would have changed a lot, I think.”

“We sat at dinner. The evening is seared into my mind – I wanted to drink a pledge to us, but before I could you stopped me and showed me your hand.” Ben’s grip on Rey’s arms got stronger, but she didn’t react. “My hand?” she asked.

“With your ring,” Ben replied. “Your engagement ring. Before I could tell you anything, you told me you got engaged. I lost the ground under my feet. I feel into darkness and chaos. You had chosen, Rey. You had chosen to be with Finn. My entire world shifted. I didn’t know anymore what was up and what was down, if I could proceed with my plan – and I decided against it. I decided to stay silent. I… We had a once in a lifetime love, Rey. It had happened and then you told me, you were in love with someone else.”

Rey flinched because of his words, because of the pain seeping out of them. She loosened her grip around Ben, and he let go of her. When she stepped away from him, Ben felt tortured by the coldness that was left behind. The absence of Rey’s body pierced his heart, and he closed his eyes.

“I want to go there.” She said and everyone looked at her. “I want to go to my old home. I want you three” – she gestured to Finn, Rose, and Poe – “to see it. And I want to look for something…” She shook her head, as if the chase away an errant thought. “Will you drive me, Ben?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that chapter. :) Thank you for your comments - and again: sorry for the ones who were so excited to read that final chapter and get to the ending of this story. I'll give my best that you will be able to read it shortly before or during the weekend.
> 
> And something I think I have to say again: I know basically everyone reads this story for the reylo-content and audiences tend to be more understanding towards Ben and Rey, and more critical towards other characters - especially if they come in between Ben and Rey, but - again - in this story no one is perfect, everyone has their reason for who they behave, everyone deserves a hug, everyone has realized that they have hurt love ones. I don't want to see anyone singling out one or two characters, as if their mistakes were more grave than what the others did. This story is about people being unperfect, about being prejudiced, about refusing to change and to accept change. It's a story about love being victorious in the end.


	8. I’ll make a wish, send it to heaven, then make you want to cry / the tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group drove to Ben's home - Rey is searching for something she didn't knew she lost. Uncomfortable truths have to be revealed, but - as always - love prevails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that last chapter is massive (in comparison to every other chapter of this story) - roughly 6500 words. Please enjoy.
> 
> Chapter title is from Yoke Lore's 'Truly Deeply Sorry'.

> _“I want to go there.” She said and everyone looked at her. “I want to go to my old home. I want you three” – she gestured to Finn, Rose, and Poe – “to see it. And I want to look for something…” She shook her head, as if the chase away an errant thought. “Will you drive me, Ben?”_

Ben nodded, and they all got up. They called goodbye to Maz and then left. On the short drive to Ben’s home, neither Rey nor he said a word, both lost in their thoughts. When they arrived at their destination, they all silently entered Ben’s home.

“I want to see my old room.” Rey said. Ben knew that she never had been in it after the accident. He had brought all her things over to Finn’s apartment, when she had moved in with him – and the few times she had over, they had stayed in the living room and the kitchen.

Ben led them all into the room – it was mostly empty, he hadn’t really touched it or done anything with it, since he had brought the furniture that still had been in it, and Rey’s things over to her. Rey stood in the center of the room and slowly turned around, her eyes inquisitively wandering through the room.

The only thing still in it was the rug in the center of the room and a commode standing at one side of it. Both had been Ben’s and Rey had used them when she had lived with him. The floor was parquet. “Do you know if one plank is loose? And is there any space beneath it?” Rey asked and turned to Ben. He shook his head. “I don’t think so. And there shouldn’t be any space beneath it. Why?”

Rey turned back around and stepped in front of the dresser. “I am searching for a place where I would hide a small book.” Rose and Finn moved beside Rey. “A small book?” Rose asked, and Rey nodded.

“When I was young and still waited for my parents to come back, I had this small notebook. I would write my dreams in there. Sort of like a diary, but more like a collection of what my life would be when my parents came back. I stopped writing in it, when I realized, they’d never come back.” Rey explained and crouched in front of the dresser to see if anything was beneath it.

“Why do you think you would have begun writing one again, when you lived here?” Finn asked and lowered himself next to her, to help her looking. “I am not sure,” Rey whispered. “I may not have begun one, but…” Rey stopped and stood back up. Then she looked at Ben, who stood a couple of steps behind her.

“But if everything you said is true, then I think I would have imagined what our lives would look like. I would have written about what I wanted from a relationship with you. I would have written about us two. I would have written about all of us, and what I wanted we would be like.”

After Rey’s words, silence encompassed the room. “You had told me about that notebook in your childhood,” Ben broke the silence. “But I never knew you had begun again.” He let his eyes wander through the room, mentally walking through his home, thinking where Rey could have hidden a small notebook where he wouldn’t have found it already. “Well, I’m not completely sure, but it seems like something I would have done,” she said. “Do you know a place, where it could be?”

Ben began to walk out of the room and the others followed him. “There aren’t many places, where I wouldn’t have found it already. Either I would have noticed it, when I gave you your stuff back – and then you would have it, or I would have found it during cleaning.”

“Did I have a nightstand or something like that?” Rey asked him. Ben nodded and they all went into their old, now only his bedroom. As Rey wanted to step across the threshold, she stopped mid-step. A soft “Oh” escaped her lips, when she saw the bed, then her eyes turned towards Ben who stood beside it, his hand sheepishly massaging his neck.

It had been their old bed that had made Rey stop. It still had two pillows and two blankets – one half was obviously regularly in use, even if the bed was made, but the other side almost screamed that there was a place for someone who hadn’t used it for a long time. It was a lonely picture.

Finn, Rose, and Poe looked at each other, when Rey finally entered the room – no one dared to say anything, but with everything they discovered about Ben, about his and Rey’s relationship, they noticed how deeply they had misjudged him and how much Rey hadn’t told him.

“That are beautiful bedclothes,” Rey whispered. Ben looked at her. Rey went to the unused half of the bed and her fingers slowly wandered across the blanket up to the pillow. “You chose them,” Ben replied in an equally low voice. “These were the first bedclothes, that were ours. They are my favorite ones.” Ben’s finger mirrored Rey’s, also slowly wandering across the blanket.

It was a strange feeling to see Rey standing in their old bedroom, touching their bed. Ben couldn’t stop himself from comparing this moment to the ones he could remember, when he and Rey were still engaged. Rey had changed – no one could deny that. But inside Ben’s heart rose a small slither of hope.

Rey didn’t seem averse to him. She had searched his proximity; she had wanted to drive with him. Sometimes her eyes were wandering towards him. The way her fingers wandered across his apartment, their things in their bedroom, seemed more full of wonder than anything else. Maybe a once-in-a-lifetime love was stronger than an accident and amnesia – maybe their love could rise again.

Talking about everything that had happened had been freeing for Ben. It had been cathartic to finally voice his pain, his grief, his mistakes. It felt good to come together – everyone who was involved in that mess of a situation.

Ben hadn’t been aware that Rey had started to write her dreams in a notebook. He felt full of wonder and full of agony at the same time, when thinking about it. Rey had mapped out their lives, their possible future. His Rey, who had been afraid of being left. His Rey, who struggled with allowing herself happiness. His Rey, who felt safer with a pessimist outlook on life than with one filled with dreams.

However, discovering this enchanting element of their past, also amplified his pain. It was one more thing they had lost. If they found this notebook, then it would be the physical manifestation of their lost future, of their lost family, of their lost love.

“This was my nightstand?” Rey asked him after they held each other’s gaze silently for several moments. Ben nodded and observed how she knelt before it. The other three were stepping closer behind her. The nightstand was medium-sized with two drawers, one above the other.

Rey looked under and behind it, but found nothing. Then she opened the top drawer and looked in it. “I emptied them,” Ben told her. “There should be nothing in them anymore – I haven't opened them since then.” Rey turned her head to him and continued to feel with her hand in the drawer. “Just let me…” she began.

Slightly frowning, she opened the lower one and did the same thing. Then her eyes lit up. Her hands did something at the top at the far end of the drawer, the part that was easily hidden by sight. Her eyes lit up, and she pulled a notebook out of the drawer. “Got it!” Rey celebrated.

Quickly she left the bedroom and went to Ben’s living room – everyone following her without hesitation, wondering about what they would find in the notebook. Poe, Rose, and Finn sat down on Ben’s couch, while Rey sat in the loveseat across from it. Ben chose to sit on the floor, leaning against the couch where Rose was sitting. His living room wasn’t really fitted to house as many people as were currently occupying it – there had never been the need to provide space for over two or maybe three people.

With trembling fingers, Rey opened the notebook. It was silent for several minutes while Rey looked through the pages. In the meantime, Ben observed Rey. He saw the tears that formed in her eyes. He saw her silently reading certain words. Her eyes tracked the lines, where she had written down what seemed to be her dreams and hopes, thoughts and feelings, doubts and fears.

Some pages increased the trembling in her fingers, some calmed it. Some pages caused her to frown and cock her head. At one page she stopped and looked at Ben. Her eyes were watery, but a visible, small smile had formed on her face. “This page is when you proposed,” Rey said. Ben returned her smile. Rey’s eyes wandered back to the page, and she traced whatever was on it with her fingers. “I was so happy and excited,” she whispered.

Ben’s heart was thumping away. All the feelings from that day rising in him. He had been so nervous, even though he had known what Rey had wanted, but hearing her ‘Yes’ had made it all real. He had been happier than ever before; he had believed that nothing could ever separate them – how wrong he had been.

Finally, Rey decided to leave that page. Smiling, she turned the page, but accidentally turned two at the same time. “Oh,” escaped her mouth, “there is only one more page.” She turned back one page to get to the page she wanted – the last one after the engagement page. Her smile suddenly vanished, and her trembling returned. Ben saw Rey reading the first lines. Before it had seemed as if she had written lists or brief bullet points, but now she seemed to read a full text.

Her frown deepened when she arrived at the middle of the left page. Her eyes flitted towards her three friends sitting on Ben’s couch. Then they turned back to the notebook in front of her, continuing to read the words she must have written down several months ago – sometime between their engagement and her accident.

Ben observed Rey’s body becoming more and more rigid. He saw her entire posture stiffen; her unoccupied hand tightened in a fist. Finn, Poe, and Rose saw all this as did Ben, and the three friends shifted uneasily, not knowing what Rey was reading, but easily guessing that it must be something very unpleasant.

Suddenly Rey closed the notebook, the sound uncomfortably loud in the silent room. She jumped up and moved in front of the windows. She breathed deeply, while the other waited for her to say something.

Ben stood up. He couldn’t sit down anymore. Then Rey turned around. Cold fury emanating from her. “You made me hide it.” Rey hadn’t risen her voice. It was even a little bit quieter than normal room volume would have been. It only made it sound more menacing. Her eyes fixed each of her three friends on the couch after the other – none of them dared to move.

Ben was caught where he stood – a step left of the couch. He had seen Rey in similar states before. It was scary, especially if it was directed at him, but it also was glorious and awe-inspiring seeing her like this. There weren’t many things that could hold a chance against this Rey. It was one of Rey’s true forms – when she was done hiding between learned manners and societal-approved behavior. It was her feral side. Rey had a few other true forms – one that was extremely cuddly and loving; one that was messy and grimy; one that was scared, broken, and vulnerable; and this menacing one, that they had the honor to experience right now.

“I was so extremely happy. I… the things I wrote about – I’d never let me dream of them. I don’t remember letting me dream of them! Because I never did – NEVER!” Rey’s voice rose in volume. “Do you understand? Never – only with Ben. And I couldn’t tell you. You were my family, and I had to hide my love before you.”

“We didn’t realize, Rey,” Finn weakly tried to explain. The three had never meant to hurt Rey, had never meant to make her feel unwelcome. Rey had been Finn’s first real and best friend, had become family. Finn loved Rey. Rose had always prided herself on being an open person, having a place for the people she loved – protecting them with all her might. Poe knew he wasn’t perfect, but he always had good intentions, good morals. He trusted them to lead him. He trusted them, so he’d always do the best for the people most important to them – and Rey was one of them.

But each of them had realized that morning, when Rey had vanished from the hotel the morning of her wedding, that they had failed Rey. They had hurt her. Each of them had to live with this guilt now. No one of them had done it out of bad intentions, but – intended or not – they all had their share of responsibility for the mess of a situation they were in now.

“You want to know what I wrote some time after Ben proposed?” Rey asked them. The three shared uneasy glances at each other – they probably didn’t want to hear it, but they all knew that they needed to, and that Rey needed to be allowed to say it.

Rey opened the notebook and prepared to read from it. “They don’t know me. With every day I feel like they know me less and less. No one really knows me. Well, no one, besides Ben. ‘But I do’, he would say, if he could have heard me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him. Whatever happens. As long as he is there, I can survive anything. And I know I’m hurting him by hiding this, us, our love, our future. Ben is my family and I hide him. What is worse – leaving your baby daughter all alone or keeping the love of your life, your soulmate hidden from the people that are supposed to be your family? What am I doing to Ben? He has lived through so much pain – and I am only adding to it. I can’t do it anymore – I want to marry him. I want to tell people about him. I don’t want to keep it in anymore. I love him and I am proud of it. They either have to accept him, or they have to leave. They either are at my side or against me. Family doesn’t treat each other like that. Ben is my love. He will always be at my side – no they have to decide, because I will never leave Ben.”

Rey closed the book and looked up. As her eyes fell on Ben, she visibly flinched. Ben’s entire body was shaking, tears freely flowing down his cheeks. Each of Rey’s words had hit his heart, they had obliterated all the defenses he had built around his innermost part and filled it with all the light from their shared time and with all the pain from his loss.

Rey ran across the room and crashed into Ben’s sobbing mass. She snared her arms around him and pulled him into her. Gently she was leading them both to the ground, while rooting Ben to her. Pressing her face against his neck, she murmured soothing words to him.

Ben was a wreck. His heart longed for her love, longed for their future, their family. He had slowly rebuilt it, after the accident and her memory loss had set it on fire. He had slowly repaired his heart, had reinforced it, vowed to protect it better, but a few words of Rey had negated every effort. Ben’s heart had remembered to whom it belonged and had returned to its rightful owner – the girl currently clinging to Ben’s chest.

Ben didn’t know what would happen after today. He didn’t know where the day and its events would leave him. He didn’t know if there was any coming back from this day.

Rose was the first who dared to move. Warily, she reached across the space between the hugging former lovers and the couch on which she was sitting. Rey noticed her extending arm and turned to Rose. The girl offered her a small package of tissues, which Rey gladly accepted. She separated one arm from around Ben’s body and opened the package, but didn’t manage to one-armed pull one tissue out. Rose quickly moved next to her and helped Rey. Rey nodded thankfully and began to clean Ben’s face.

When she was finished, she softly pulled Ben to the loveseat so he could lean against it. Rey sat back on it and soothingly massaged Ben’s scalp. He still looked slightly dazed, and the remnants of his tears were still visible on his cheeks and in his red eyes, but he wasn’t crying and shaking anymore. Ben wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about Rey’s hand in his hair.

He definitely had welcomed her embrace when he had broken down – he was sure that nothing else would have helped him calm down as fast as she did. But having her so close, feeling her touching him was dangerous. He feared get accustomed to it; he was afraid it would be harder to forget again; he dreaded its loss.

But it was also so very wonderful. Ben loved the feel of Rey’s body against his, her arms around him, her head settled against his neck, her hands in his hair. Touch was his preferred way of someone showing him their love for him. And Rey’s touch was the most exquisite of them all. It was addictive. It was the most fantastic thing he had ever experienced.

During the time she had comforted Ben, her rage had almost dissipated. She hadn’t forgotten about it – but Rey was tired of being angry. She didn’t want to be angry; she didn’t want that rage. She also didn’t want the grief and sorrow that was currently filling her. She only wanted that happiness; she had discovered in the pages of her notebook. She wanted that feeling back; she missed it deeply. A small part of her mind wondered if humans could miss something they couldn’t even remember. Or if she may be a unique case – because she hadn’t forgotten her time with Ben, she just couldn’t access these memories. But everything with him, every touch, every interaction, every movement of her heat towards him felt too familiar. Even if her mind would never be able to remember, her heart and soul definitely did.

“Rey,” Poe spoke up. “We are truly and deeply sorry.” The other two nodded. “We messed up royally.” Rose continued. “We wanted the best for you and achieved the opposite.” Finn was the last one rising to speak. “Rey…” he stuttered with tears in his eyes. “Rey, you’re my family. That should have never happened. We should have never treated you like this. Rey, I… I…” Crestfallen, he sank down again.

“I’m not the person you think you are,” Rey whispered, continuing to run her hand through Ben’s hair. It seemed to calm her as much as it did him. “We love you, Rey, that has always been true.” Rose told her.

Rey closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then opened them again. “Are you sure you love me? Or do you love another version of me? A version without the dark parts, without the messiness, without the parts you don’t agree with?” she asked.

Uncertain the three friends on the couch looked at each other. Then Poe turned to Rey. “I think I am the best to answer this – because if I can love you in your entirety then the others can do, too. Rey. I know we have our differences. I know the relationship you and I have creaks a lot, and it is the most difficult of the three of us. But only because we don’t agree on everything and even if you infuriate me sometimes and even if every now and then I don’t understand you, I still consider you family. I would do everything to protect you. We three actually did do too much. We tried to protect you from your own freedom, your freedom of choice. We know what we did wrong and we want to do better.”

Rose took over from Poe. “He is right. We didn’t realize that we went way overboard in our protectiveness, that we caused you pain. But we don’t want to lose you. We know what to do better – I think the question is not if we want to be your family, the question is if you still want to be ours, even after… after all this.” Rose gestured weakly at all of them – her last words almost inaudible.

Finn was the last one to say something. “Rey, you never have to question if I want to be your family. I always want to be that. I will always be your family. You don’t have to be perfect. I’ll always be here.” He hesitated shortly. “You do remember I was ready to marry you, don’t you?” Rey cringed at his attempt at a joke. “About that, Finn…” Rey started.

“You don’t want to marry anymore? You want to break up?” Finn guessed, a dejected smile on his lips. “No. Well, yes, I want that. But there also is something more.” Rey replied. “I think…” she started but stopped and frowned. “I don’t know how to really tell you… I sort of just realized it this night and this morning.”

“What did you realize?” Finn asked her. With tears in her and burying her hand in Ben’s hair to steady herself, Rey cocked her head. “I shouldn’t have said yes.” She took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have said yes, when you asked me to marry you.”

“Oh…” Finn replied. “So even before… before that…” he jerked his head in the direction of the notebook. “Even before that, you thought marrying was a mistake?” Ben had seen how hurt and wounded Finn had been, when he had barged into his hotel room a few hours earlier – but the hurt that was now visible in Finn’s eyes, in his face, and his body was a different kind of pain. It spoke of heartbreak and betrayal. Rey hadn’t just realized she had forgotten and lost something she couldn’t remember, and based her decision to not marry on that, but had decided beforehand that their upcoming marriage was a mistake.

Rey shakingly nodded – as her friends hadn’t wanted to hurt her, she hated to hurt the person she knew the longest from all the people in the room. Her hand in Ben’s hair had stilled completely and pressed down, trying to anchor herself. “I thought it was the right decision, you know?” she tried to explain. Rey didn’t dare to look at anyone else than Finn.

“I thought I was making a good choice. I tried to be an adult. Make the smart and safe choice.” With her free hand, Rey gripped her sleeve and wiped across her face. “Ben put it in really good words last night – you would be a good husband, Finn. You’re loving. You’re supportive. You have good morals. You never want to hurt me – and when you realize that you did, you’re doing your best to fix it.”

For a few seconds Finn didn’t reply, and the only thing audible were Rey’s quiet sniffles. “But you don’t want to marry?” he asked then.

“Finn, I trust you – I trust all three of you – to still love me, even if I stop hiding things from you, that are difficult, that are messy, that are dark. Right now, when I got angry and furious, what was your first reaction?” With every word, Rey’s voice had gotten steadier. She had had a few hours to accept, that she didn’t want to confine herself to the image others had of her – Ben already knew her like this, he had gotten to know every last side of her during the time they had loved each other, but Finn, Poe, and Rose still needed to get used to unfiltered Rey. Finn tried to evade answering Rey’s question and shrugged. 

“Finn,” Rey insisted.

“What do you want me to say, Rey?” Finn replied exasperated. “I knew that there was anger in you, that’s okay. I never judged you for that. But when I saw you like this, I was afraid at first, I wasn’t recognizing you. I love you, but I don’t love your fury – but I would never leave you because of that. That fury, it’s… it’s dark, Rey. You looked murderous.” Finn looked down into his lap and played with his fingers.

“I knew that, Finn.” Rey told him softly, but he still refused to look at her. “And I am glad, that I don’t have to hide anymore – but the reaction you had, it’s not the reaction, I want from the person that I will spend my entire life with.

“What reaction do you want?” Rose implored. “Because right off the bat I can’t imagine how a loving relationship could work, where that fury has its place. What kind of a person do you want?”

Rey’s eyes strayed to Ben’s head. And the three pairs of eyes sitting opposite her followed. Rey couldn’t remember how Ben had been in their relationship, but she remembered the time before that, and she remembered the months after the accident – and everything she had read in her old notebook supported her feeling. Ben had always let her be, had encouraged her to never hide her. Ben let her be free.

“What was your first reaction earlier, Ben?” Poe asked him – his innate curiosity prompting him to ask. A blush rose on Ben’s cheeks. “I already knew Rey like this, so it wasn’t new to me,” Ben offered as a reply. “Then tell us, what your first reaction had been,” Poe requested. 

Ben scrambled with his feet. The first time he had seen her like this, had been before Rey had moved in, so she would probably remember it, too. “It was glorious. She had transformed into a goddess of rage and fury – coming down to earth to smite everything that dared to put itself in her way.”

Rose decided to dig deeper. “So, you weren’t alarmed by it, you didn’t dislike it?” Confidently Ben lifted his head. “You don’t disrespect goddesses like that. You honor and respect them.” He told Rose and sneaked a look to Rey and was momentarily startled by the wonder that shone in her eyes. The intensity lit a small fire inside his heart – a fire that increased the light of hope inside his darkness.

A small smile stole itself onto Rose’s face. “Rey, do you remember that time – or was it after…?” Rey ripped her eyes away from Ben’s head. “I think I remember it – I was really glad that I hadn’t destroyed our friendship.”

“You didn’t.” Ben confirmed. “Quite the opposite actually. And you were right in that argument we had. That helped, too.” Ben leaned back and grinned at Rey. She shook her head softly and resumed massaging his scalp.

“So, you lied? To me? To yourself?” Finn asked. Rey flinched slightly at his words. “I told you what my thought process was. It wasn’t lying. It was trying to find the right way for me – I am sorry that you had to suffer from it. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing.”

Rey shifted uneasily on her loveseat. “And I wasn’t really at a good place in my life, when we begun to date. You can count the months that passed between the accident, where I lost part of my memories, and the day, where you asked me out, on one hand, Finn. I had lost the last 20 months of my life, have you ever thought about that?”

Finn scoffed. “I knew that, when I asked you! Both times. I wanted to be there for you, exactly because of that. You’re my family, why shouldn’t we have married? I love you and I want to care for you.”

“Why didn’t you ever say something before the accident?” Rey gestured wildly. “You never said something, you never tried something. Yes, you are my family – but maybe you lied to yourself as I lied to me.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest and glared at Finn.

“No!” Finn replied indignantly. “I didn’t lie to myself.”

“So, you knew that you didn’t propose out of love to me? You didn’t lie to yourself, just to me?” Tears of hurt and betrayal began to rise in Rey’s eyes.

“I **do** love you, Rey! You are the most important person in my life.” Finn told her.

“But you wouldn’t have asked me, if I hadn’t had that damn accident.” Rey accused him.

Helplessly Finn looked at Rey and Pose, but both didn’t dare to look back at him. Finally, his eyes wandered to Ben. Ben thought it was pure irony, that Finn would search for his help out of all the people in the room. “You remember, what I said, Finn? Honesty, time, compassion and patience. Only thing that works.” Ben told him, repeating the things he had said that morning in his hotel room.

Finn nodded. Fortifying himself, he took a deep breath and looked at Rey. “Rey, I love you. You are my family and the most important person in my life. Maybe I would have never asked you out and proposed to you, had the accident never happened. I don’t know. I only know that before the accident, you were family and the thought of changing our relationship from a family, but non-romantic and non-sexual, into a romantic and sexual one, never occurred to me. But after the accident, Rey, after the accident, everything had changed.

I wanted to have something that would prove we’re family. I wanted to care for you, keep you safe, to always be at your side. Dating made sense. You’re beautiful and attractive. I’m pansexual. I already knew I loved you. Why not ask you out? Nothing spoke against it.” Finn explained to her.

Rey’s anger had slowly dissipated, and she had changed her posture on the loveseat and now hugged her knees to her chest. “But there is a difference, Finn. You didn’t ask me out because you wanted to ask me out – you asked me out because you didn’t want to lose me, because you didn’t want someone else being there. Your love didn’t change between the time before and after the accident, did it? We’d still be family. We’d still love each other. We’d still care for each other. Even without a marriage certificate. Even without spending the nights in the same bed.”

“It still hurts, that you’re breaking up with me,” Finn countered.

“I understand, Finn. And I am sorry. I really am. I don’t want to hurt you, but you do understand why we had to break up, don’t you? Fear shouldn’t control our lives. We should strive to realize our dreams.” Rey stopped and stood up and crouched in front of Finn and took his hands into hers. “Finn, I love you and you’re my family. I’ll always want you in my family. But my dream isn’t to be your wife.”

“I get that. And I want the same, Rey,” Finn told her and snuffled. For several moments they simply looked at each other, then nodded and small smiles erupted on each other’s faces. They didn’t erase the pain, but they could be sure that they and their relationship would be okay. Rey stood back up and pulled Finn with her. They hugged each other and whispered to each other. Then they let go of each other.

Rey continued to stand in the room, while Finn sat back down. “I think I’ll need some time to think about everything. That was a lot in the last hours. I know what I want, but I think some time away from here will do me good.”

Finn, Rose, and Poe stood up, too. “Finn, do you want to come back to my place? We could just play some video games, eat pizza, or watch movies. Just something to relax, after…” Poe gestured into the air. “You know? After everything. You can stay the night – and we’ll get breakfast in the morning, maybe meet with Rose?”

Poe looked questioningly at Rose, and she nodded. “Yeah, I’d love that. I’ll bring Jannah, too. We had planned to stay in the hotel after the wedding, but I think I'll just go over now. Some girlfriend time will be good for me.” Rose smiled.

The entire group made their way to Ben’s front door. He was the last one in the group – and nervosity filled him. He didn’t know where he and Rey stood. They definitely were on good terms – but Ben wasn’t sure if he could ask her out when she would return. She had said she needed some time and Ben had waited for so long and he had been so sure that every chance to get back together was lost.

But after today, he had hope again. The things Rey had told him and the others, the dreams she mentioned, they were the same, she had had, when they had been together. Ben felt as if the long night was finally over, and the arriving dawn could be felt. If he had been able to hold out hope for all these months after her accident, he definitely could wait a few more, till Rey was ready again.

Ben definitely didn’t want to rush Rey. He didn’t want to make that mistake – and he was sure that Rey wouldn’t make it again, like she had with Finn. But it surely wouldn’t be easy. He didn’t want to wait anymore – but maybe time would pass a little bit faster this time around. Maybe he could meet with Finn, and Poe, and Rose again.

The three were just leaving through the door, Rey directly behind them, when she turned around. Rey stood in the open door and looked back at him. “Are you coming, or what?” Everyone looked at Ben, who confusedly stared into the round. He opened his mouth, but no sounds came out. Then he questioningly pointed at himself. Rey nodded in answer. “I said I needed some time.” She laughed. “I didn’t say I wanted to be alone. I want you with me, Ben. I never want to lose you again.” Shyly, she looked down. “So… Are you coming with me?”

Ben still looked dumbly at Rey. His mind was reeling, he was trying to understand, to process what she was saying. Was she saying what he was thinking? Had Rey maybe been more ready than he had thought, than he had dared to dream?

“I told you what I want, Ben. And this here – what I had with you, what we had together – that is what I want. If you’re ready and willing to try again, if you still love or at least think you can love me again. Then I want you to come with me.” Rey said, holding her hand out to him.

“Yes!” Ben’s voice was much too loud, but no one commented on it. Quickly he pulled his jacked on and hurried over to her. He took Rey’s hand and together they followed the others.

“You’re trembling,” Rey whispered to him – Ben couldn’t do anything else than wildly smiling at her. Rey laughed and pressed herself closer against him. When they arrived, where they had parked, Rey let go of his hand – and Ben instantly missed her at his side. It was insane how fast he had gotten used to her presence and proximity again.

Rey hugged each of her friends and murmured a few words while saying goodbye. Then the three turned to Ben and to his surprise each of them hugged him, too. Poe told him he was glad that they finally could get to know each other. Rose told him to get her number from Rey and text her. Finn was the last one and asked him to take care of Rey and that he would look forward to welcoming Ben into their family. Then the three drove away.

Rey moved back next to Ben and slung her arms around his waist. This was something that Ben had to relearn – that he was allowed to intimately touch her again. Rey beamed at him. “Varykino.” She said.

Frowning, Ben looked at her face. Rediscovered all the freckles covering her face, his eyes wandering across them, landing on her cute nose, following it down to her mouth. Ben’s eyes caressed her lips. Appreciatively looked at every part of her face. Losing himself in Rey, his eyes slowly saw Rey’s lips curling into a smile.

“What?” Ben asked her.

“Can we go there? I wrote about it several times in my notebook and I want to see it again. Well, see it again for the first time – it seemed to be a good place to figure out our future.” Rey stood so close to Ben, she had to crane her head backward to be able to look at him.

“Our future,” Ben repeated. Rey’s laugh was beautiful. “Yes, Ben: our future.” She shook her head and pressed a kiss on his clothed chest. “So, Varykino? Can we drive there?”

“Yes, we can. It had been my grandmother’s place, then my mother’s – but she almost never had been there – and now it is mine,” Ben gave her some context, because he didn’t know if she had written about it in her notebook.

Rey stepped away from him and stole his keys out of his pocket. Ben’s breath hitched when he felt her hand in his pocket. Rey winked at him and ran to the driver’s side of his car. “I’m driving.” She called out.

Ben’s heart soared. Laughingly, he shook his head and went to the other side of the car to get in. After Rey had started the car and Ben had entered the address into its navigational system, he made the first move and took her hands into his. He pressed it against his mouth and was rewarded with a beautiful, soft smile by Rey.

“Let’s go and reclaim our lost future.” She said and began to drive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of writing an christmas epilogue on year later, that I would publish around christmas day - so if you want to read it, stay subscribed.  
> I hoped you enjoyed that little emotional drama (and I am truly sorry for that spontaneous hiatus after chapter 4) - and yeah, I don't exactly explicitly state that Rey and Ben are back together - they don't say the words - but it should be obvious to everyone.
> 
> Addendum: As I am writing these end notes, I'm noticing that this is my first reylo-fic without a reylo kiss. Therefore there will definitely be an epilogue, because I can't allow that. But the story is finished. Every relationship between the characters will still have to heal, but this will take months, however each is in the perfect position to be repaired and grow stronger - also: I hope everyone noticed, that neither Finn nor Poe will stay alone and single for long. (I've hinted at their upcoming relationship since their first appearance in chapter 3.)
> 
> I also have [twitter](https://twitter.com/Lutrwsis?s=09).


	9. Epilogue: A Happily Ever After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Christmas the following year, the entire group celebrates with each other. A chapter full of happy endings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I'm more content with the ending of this story - this epilogue is the little bow that's gracing this little present of a story.

**Christmas the following year.**

Ben relished every morning he woke up with Rey in his arms. Quietly and contently sighing, he buried his nose in her hair, as he felt her sleepy breaths against his chest. Looking back at all these months lying behind him, more than a year-and-a-half, he smiled. It hadn’t been easy per se to work through everything that had transpired after the accident and before it, but it had been easy to just be with Rey, to talk things out with her, to tell each other about their feelings, about their fears, their dreams and hopes.

They had spent several weeks in Varykino, secluded from everything else they had read her notebook, she had asked him questions and Ben had answered, had provided context to the things she wasn’t remembering.

Sometimes they had been extra hard for Rey, that she couldn’t remember her time with him, that she only had the things she had written down and the stories Ben could tell her. They had never been the couple who took many pictures, so everything they had didn’t explicitly that they were together, that they were dating, that they had been engaged.

Some days they had spent much of their time crying about their lost time, lost memories, lost opportunities. Other days they had been angry, angry at the world, angry at her friends, angry at life, that had stolen from them something so precious, which they were only slowly getting back. Other days they were making fresh memories, splashing around in the lakes around Varykino, then they went on dates in the nearby town, they just wanted to spend time together.

Slowly they had relearned how to be intimate, how to touch the other’s body in a more than platonic and deeply caring way. These days had been one of the easiest and most favorite for them. They could re-explore each other’s body, cherish their beauty, discover every small part of them with their hands, their fingers, their skin, their mouths, their lips. No mole, no beauty mark, no scar, and no freckle had stayed left unkissed. Sounds of pleasure had echoed through the halls. Moans, gasps, sighs, and whimpers had slipped out of their mouths.

After their recluse on Varykino, Rey and Ben had reemerged and joined the world again. Rey was deeply afraid of losing him again, and so they decided that they should live together, even if they didn’t know if they should. They were tired of doing the things others thought they should do, so the two did the things they wanted to do. And they wanted to live together, sleep together, be together. So they did.

Cautiously they had met Rey’s friends again, tested out a new balance between all five of them. What had worked on the canceled wedding day, had now to prove itself in their everyday routine. It had gotten some getting used to each other. But Ben had made his individual connection to each of Rey’s friends – the closest one to Rose. Finn and Ben understood each other pretty well, too, but it had taken a lot of time, until both were comfortable with the elephant in the room that was Rey. With Poe, Ben had the most relaxed friendship after both had warmed up to each other, but it was also the most superficial of the three new friendships Ben was now part of.

Slowly coming back from his trip down memory lane, Ben noticed that Rey had tilted her head back slightly and regarded him curiously. As his eyes focused on her, her smile grew and triggered a similar one on Ben’s face. Craning her head towards his, Rey softly connected their lips. Ben’s eyes instinctively closed at the soft feelings of her lips caressing his. Then Rey drew back, but stayed closer than she had been. Locking her eyes with his, she asked him: “What have you been thinking of?”

Ben moved one of his hands from her back to her cheek and with his thump slowly stroked the freckles and the small scar on it. “Just about the last year, and what has changed, and where we are now.” He told her.

Rey’s smile and eyes grew softer. Ben could lose himself in them. She slowly pushed herself closer, sweetly rubbing her nose against his and whispered to him. “And at what result have you arrived?”

Edging his mouth even closer to hers, Ben replied, “That I love what has changed, that I love where we are now, and…” he paused to observe the change in Rey’s eyes upon his words “… that I love you.” Ben felt how Rey completely relaxed into his hold, and then suddenly used his hands and body to push her on her back, his body hovering above her.

Rey shrieked, and her eyes grew wide. Then Ben reconnected their lips fiercely, used her moment of surprise to slip his tongue into her mouth. Rey moaned and arched her back into him, her hands seeking purchase on his back as she eagerly responded to his kiss.

Then as suddenly as Ben had her flipped, he stopped their kiss, causing Rey to make an indignant sound. “Breakfast?” he asked her. Rey’s eyes got a teasing glint. “Yeah, but not the kind you prepare in the kitchen,” she replied to him cheekily.

“Well, I need something real to fill me,” Ben told her and got up, but not without pinching her thigh. She flinched away, laughing giddily, but sprung up after him and after catching up to him in the doorway, jumped on his back and let Ben carry her to the kitchen. On their way there, she pressed a kiss against his neck right on the spot, she knew he liked. “I could have made so many jokes about filling…” she boasted and then laughed again while cuddling against Ben’s body.

* * *

When they had finished their lazy breakfast and morning, Ben and Rey prepared their old apartment for the small Christmas gathering they would have. Poe and Finn, and Rose and Jannah would join them, and the six of them had planned to spend Christmas together in a relaxed atmosphere.

Standing with Ben and in the kitchen to prepare something to eat together, was one Rey’s favorite times. Sometimes they would joke around, which more often than less would result in more intimate bodily contact, while they forgot to continue to cook or bake. Other times it was just them spending time with each other and in each other’s space while creating something they could consume together.

Ben’s words from this morning and Rey’s own plan for their evening, after everyone had left, led her on her own walk down memory lane. Rediscovering being together with Ben, being his partner, his significant other had been a wondrous experience. Rey had never felt freer – especially since the secret was now out.

For some time, she had felt extremely conflicted, because to some degree she felt guilty of how she handled her wedding day with Finn and that she had hurt him, but to a much larger degree she was also completely and totally happy to have her thing with Ben. Being with Ben was so completely different than being together with Finn. Being with Finn was a soft, warm, and cozy embrace. Rey felt safe in it, but also constricted, not able to spread her wings, to dive into the deepest depths or fly into the highest heights. Being with Ben was bursting every bind. Ben soared with her through the air, was her light in the blackest darkness, and her safety net should she fall from high up down again.

Rey hated that so many of her memories were stolen by some shitty accident, but that emotion was more and more overshadowed by the pure joy and bliss, happiness and contentment she felt. How bad could the past be if it was responsible for leading her to this point? When she had told Ben that, he had told her a different perspective on it – which she had liked even more. Ben had told her a story of a warrior princess, who fell in love with someone she shouldn’t love, but against every obstacle they had found their way to each other. But then her love had died in her arms, had faded into nothingness, but the warrior princess hadn’t let this stop her. Even against the advice of her friends, even against her fading memory, she had found a way to make oblivescence succumb to her, make death succumb to her. And finally, the warrior princess and her love were reunited.

Rey had cried after Ben had told her this story. Overcome by knowing how felt about her. Overcome by the reverence with which he viewed her. Overcome by this vision he had of her. She felt strengthened by him. Ben knew she could succeed at life without him, but nevertheless he stood at her side, nevertheless he lent his power to her. Not because she needed it, not because he should do it, not because she wanted it – even though she did –, but because he loved her, because he cared for her.

* * *

The small Christmas celebration was exactly what the small group of friends needed. After Rose and Jannah’s engagement, the latter one had been integrated into the group much more and five became six. The wedding had been emotional, and pure cheer and joy of it had led to emotional moments, especially between Finn and Rey, whose relationship had been fully repaired after it.

The evening held a surprise as Finn and Poe announced that they had begun dating each other a few weeks before. They had grown much closer after the failed wedding between Rey and Finn. Not that they hadn’t ben close friends before, but Poe had stood at Finn’s side through his grieving process and moments of becoming self-aware of what happened and led to that disastrous day with a happy ending.

When Finn and Rey had time for themselves, he told her how Poe had constantly held him through the hard times, had joined him on activities for fun to distract him, and how both had waited until both were ready to truly commit to a relationship. Rey was happy for her best friend that he too had found his perfect other.

While Finn was talking to Rey, Ben was talking to Jannah and Rose. The three had developed their very own dynamic and enjoyed talking to the woman. They all complemented each other very well – and Ben knew he could trust them.

“So, why aren’t you proposing to her?” Jannah wanted to know from him. Ben looked down on to the table in front of him. His feelings about marrying Rey were complicated, and he told them as much. Rose frowned at his answer. “But you do want to spend the rest of your life with her and you love, right? You live together, you’ve proven to everyone that nothing will ever separate you. Where do your doubts come from?”

“Last time I asked for her hand, it ended terrible…” Ben stammered, “And I am so afraid. What if anyone will happen again? What if I ask her and she says no because she isn’t ready, yet? I am prepared to wait… I hate that any time something similar like last time could happen, that they aren’t acknowledging me as her significant other, but…” helplessly Ben gestured into thin air.

Jannah smiled softly at Ben and took his hands to gently lay them back down onto the table. “Ben, that girl” – with her head she gestured in Rey’s direction – “is completely in love with you and would never say no. I bet if you wait, she just will propose to her herself.”

At Jannah’s words, Rose groaned. “Now, he will just wait for her to ask him,” she explained when she saw Jannah’. questioning gaze – Ben blushed, but he wasn’t denying Rose’s statement. He could wait for Rey. Waiting for her was easy as long as she lived by his side, was kissing him, telling him she loved him, was cuddling him, and doing everything else. It was the easiest thing in the world.

* * *

After everyone had left, Ben and Rey got ready for bed. Ben sensed nervousness growing inside the women beside him. But none of his curious glances revealed nothing to him, and somehow, she never replied to one of them.

When Ben lied down, his eyes followed Rey, but instead of lying next to him, she crawled over to his side and climbed onto him, straddling his thighs. Instinctively Ben’s hands went to her waist, stroking up- and downwards over her thighs. “Hi,” Rey greeted him, biting down on her lip. Ben’s eyes tracked her movement and his heartbeat sped up. He still felt her nervousness and wondered what was happening, that made her this way.

“Hi, Rey,” he responded in his gentlest voice. Rey’s hands wandered across his abdomen to his pectorals covered by his shirt. “I want to tell you something and I want you to listen to me, until I am finished, okay?” she asked him too, while her eyes fixed with an imploring stare. Ben nodded and focused his full attention on her following words.

“There was once a time, where you asked for my hand, Ben. I don’t remember it, but I do know that I wanted to take it. I wrote about it, even though I can’t visualize it, I know deep in my heart, that taking your hand, is something I always wanted. But then the accident happened – and all these memories of you faded from my mind. It was almost like you – or some version of you, the version of you and me – faded from my mind. And I never want that to happen again. I never want to forget you again.

I want pictures with you, letters from and to you, I want to write about you, tell others about you and me, I want the whole world to know that you belong to me and I to you. I want there to be no doubt that your rightful place is at my side. No one shall be able to question. You shall never have to question that. I want my life to be intertwined with yours. I…” Rey swallowed and then continued with a quieter but completely steady voice. “I want your name to be mine. I want to carry your symbol on my hand. I want your family to be mine. I want to be your family. I want to create our family with you and only you.

Sometimes I still feel lost, and during these times, the only thing that feels right is being with you. It doesn’t matter what else is happening around us, as long as you are by my side, I am at the right place.” Rey’s right hand left Ben’s chest, and she took something out of the back pocket of her shorts. Ben’s hold had gotten tighter at Rey’s waist during her little speech. His heart had constricted as she painted their future, as Rey had laid her soul bare to him. Tears had gathered in his eyes as she told him in no uncertain voice, that she wanted him to be hers.

Then Rey opened the small chest she was holding in her hand. In it sat a small, golden band – similar to the one Ben had worn years ago, but also different. Perfectly representing their relationship – similar to the one they had, but also different. “Ben, will you marry me?” Rey asked him and Ben felt her thighs trembling around him, saw the small flicker of fear in her eyes. And he wanted to extinguish it immediately, let there be no doubt in her, that he also wanted to be hers. Ben sat upright, closed his arms around Rey’s lower back. “Yes, Rey. I want to marry you and be your husband,” he told her, his mouth almost speaking against her lips.

Ben wanted to observe the wonder and joy in her eyes, but he also wanted to kiss her. Doing both simultaneously, he crushed his lips to hers, staring into her open eyes as Rey looked back at him and interlocked her arms at his neck.

After they needed to come back up for air, Ben saw the tears of joy that had formed in Rey’s eyes. He saw the wide smile she couldn’t and didn’t want to contain. Rey tugged one of his hands from her back and held in her hands between them. Ben used his other hand to hold on to the chest, so Rey could take the ring out of it. She held the ring to his ring finger, as her eyes sprang up to his again. Rey let out a giddy breath and leaned her head against his. AS they both looked down again, she pulled the ring on his finger.

When it sat at his rightful place, she took his hand into both of hers. Rey blushed as she saw the size difference of their hands and together, they watched the ring on Ben’s finger – the symbol of their belonging, their newly created future, their open possibilities, their happy end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this small glimpse into the future of our characters. If you want you can come and talk to/follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/Lutrwsis?s=09).


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